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{The camera opens up on a black screen with the words "DATELINE" being typed out in white letters. Just as you would hope to expect your 'favorite' news station to begin, the word "DATELINE" is crossed out by spray paint & is painted over with the words "DATING LINE". "Living Lavida Loca" by Ricky martin begins playing as the theme music. Some much more lively music hits the audio in the TV & a Dan Rather sounding voice speaks.}
Voice 1:
The following has been filmed & recorded in front of a live audience.
Voice 2:
Welcome to DATING LINE, the show whose janitor closet holds the worlds largest porn collection... and here's your hosts, Krysta Taylor & Crystal!!!
{The camera cuts to some scenes of various explosions & famous people in Hollywood & the wrestling ring. The cameras then cut to the studio & goes to the newsroom where Crystal & Krysta are sitting on the Dating Line couches, with the original Dating Line set surrounding them. Krysta brushes her hair out of her face and looks into the camera as she starts talking, and Crystal stops dancing to the new theme music.}
Krysta Taylor:
Welcome Ladies & Gentlemen to Dating Line!
Crystal:
Damn... that song is so... catchy. Thanks to us, you will be singing "Living Lavida Loca" before you go to sleep tonight. Just our way of saying "Thanks for watching!"
Krysta Taylor:
Well Crystal... what all do we have planned for tonight?.
Crystal:
Woke up in New York City, in a funky cheap motel... she took my heart and she took my money...
Krysta:
Crystal!
Crystal:
Sorry... but honey. I am living Lavida Loca! Look!
{Crystal grabs her Autobiography "Career Suicide" and raises it into the air as the crowd cheers. Crystal starts dancing again.}
Krysta:
O jeez... well while Crystal celebrates, I will introduce the next segment. She's been one of the rising stars in Divas Unleashed for awhile now, and with her recently making history over and over in the course of her career, we decided, what the hell, we'll do a segment on "The Baddest Bitch", Bianca.
Crystal:
Honey, do you have any wax? That scene was hot... and I want a re-enactment.
{The camera zooms away from the set and into a time line.}
Exile
{The camera cuts to the Unleashed ring, and we see Tommi being pinned and eliminated as Cleopatra & Chimera battle. Cleopatra then pins Chimera and is celebrating as the new Rockford State Champion.}
Renegade: Who is that?!?! She's hot and I don't know her?!?! I'm slipping in my old age!!!
Dylan Silver: That's Bianca!! She just got signed to Divas Unleashed and I see she's picked her target.
{Bianca then runs into the ring and superkicks Chimera to the mat. She then proceeds to mail her Bianic Shutdown on both Cleopatra & Chimera... causing Chimera's leg to twist irregularly, and end her career as Bianca laughs walking up the ramp. The camera forwards to the next week, as Cleopatra & Bianca face off against each other, and several highlights are shown of the match, before Bianca nails the Bianic Shutdown once again and pins Cleopatra, winning the Rockford State Championship. She holds the title up in victory, as the crowd cheers her on.}
{The camera then cuts back to the time line.}
Xiak Xande
{We suddenly come upon the handicapped match at Xiak Xande, in which Bianca complerely schools the Lee Sisters and wins the match before her good freind Vanessa enters the ring, and becomes a Tag Team champion alongside Bianca. Bianca & Vanessa then pose for the crowd as the scene goes to black.}
{The camera comes back to the time line.}
?
{We cut to Bianca's face, and a flashes of her Rockford, Stripped, and Tag Team wins are shown, which are followed by a close up of the Unleashed Championship belt. The camera then fades on Bianca's image as we cut back to the Dating Line set.}
Krysta:
Welcome back to Dating Line, where we are about to make history!
Crystal:
Yes... history! Why? Because... We're Living Lavida Loca!
{Crystal begins to dance around again as we see a large glass tank set up on the floor, with a banner over the side that says "Sea Searcher". Krysta is wearing an apron, and Crystal dances over to the bar which has become an established pit stop for the Femme Fatale while on the stage.}
Krysta:
*ah-hem* Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome our next guest... Jessica Simpson!
{"Living Lavida Loca" plays once again as Jessica walks out on stage and Crystal begins dancing once again once the music starts. Jessica comes down and does the kiss & hug greet with Krysta, and as Jessica looks towards Crystal, she points and mumbles something to Krysta, and Krysta shakes her head "no".}
Krysta:
No... unlike the strippers on Jerry Springer, she actually gets paid much more to dance here.
Crystal:
She never drinks the water and she'll make you order french champagne... O! Good idea!
{Crystal returns to the bar and pulls out a bottle of Champagne, and as the crowd has a mild laugh, Crystal points and stomps at Krysta who stops staring at Crystal and gets back to the show.}
Krysta:
Uhh... o! Right, here today is Jessica Simpson, who will be playing in the very first ever, "Sea Searchers" game! Welcome Jessica, to Dating Line.
Jessica Simpson:
Well thanks.
Krysta:
Alright Jessica, we explained the rules to you in the back, but now we will explain them once again for you at home. Crystal, will you do the honors?
Crystal:
Umm... no.
Krysta:
Well anyway. Ever since Jessica here had mistaken a can of "Chicken Of The Sea" tuna, for real chicken, she hasn't been able to live it down in the eyes of her critics. So, we are giving Jessica the chance to prove her critics wrong and show everyone she has what it takes to tell the difference between chicken & tuna. So jessica... before us is a huge tank of Tuna & Chicken. So... I will pull out a peice of meat and you will tell us whether it is chicken or tuna. Ready?
Jessica:
Okay
{Krysta leans into the tank, when suddenly Crystal appears from behind her and pushes her in!!! As Krysta sloshes around in the meaty water, Crystal begins pointing at Jessica Simpson.}
Crystal:
Jessica! Why did you push Krysta in?!
Jessica:
I didn't did I?
Crystal:
Yes you did! I'm so proud of you! You go girl... your such a big girl. Goooood girl. You go girl. No... I mean it. GO GIRL. LEAVE! GO!
{As Jessica walks off the camera cuts to the Fook Twins in special matching Geisha outfits at the Academy Awards. Fook Mi is in pink, while Fook Yu is in light green. They have their trusty backpacks on too, and begin to speak.}
Fook Yu: We here at Academy Award! We been talking to stars, we been getting close and personal! We so bad!
Fook Mi: We are!
[Cuts to Fook Mi interviewing Charlize Theron.]
Fook Mi: We love you in monster! We think you so ugly in that film! But you look like great bonk! Are you?
Charlize Theron: Excuse me?
Fook Mi: She deaf! Fook Yu! She deaf! We no like you! Go away!
[Charlize frowns and moves onto her next reporter as Fook Mi turns to the camera.]
Fook Mi: Damn foreigners!
[Cuts to the Charlie Chaplin dressed Diane Keaton.]
Fook Yu: You look so bad!
Diane Keaton: I'm supposed to be Charlie Chaplin, I'd thought I'd tribute you him?
Fook Yu: We thought you were married? You dress like man!
Diane: Yes, I'm supposed to-
Fook Yu: I look beautiful, you look like man!
Diane: Yes, I'm-
Fook Yu: Why you dressed as man?
Diane: Will you just shut the fuck up for one second and let me speak? What is with these reporters! Get me Joan Rivers before I slap this biatch!
Fook Yu: Why yo-
[Diane finally slaps Fook Yu and drags her over the railing to the floor below, Diane Keaton straddles her as the flashes are blinding. Fook Yu then kicks Diane in the gut and delivers a DDT to her as medics and press rush around.]
Fook Yu: Look! Look! Crystal did I do it right?! Hehe!
[Cuts back to the Fook Twins]
Fook Mi: That's the Oscars! We're banned for life now! Hehe, we got loads of autograph!
{The camera returns from the fiasco that is the twins as Crystal stands in applause on stage, solo.}
Crystal: Very good Fook Yu!!! That just brings a tear to my eye.
{Crystal wipes a tear from her eye and then licks it off her finger.}
Crystal: Hmm... doesn't taste like vodka anymore.
{Krysta appears from backstage in a new outfit as Crystal sits on the couch awaiting Krysta's return in what appears to be a camera mans clothing.}
Krysta: We're not back from break yet right?
{Krysta takes her seat.}
Crystal: Nope. Why are you in a camera mans clothing? What is that lovely white stain on the crotch area?
{A white powderish stain is shown in Krysta's crotch area, as the clothing she has on is too big for her.}
Krysta: Well, all my clothing has disappeared! I didn't want to come back out here on stage in those clothes soaked in tuna water and chicken broth so I gave some camera man a blowjob and took his clothes. Don't tell Jason though okay? I'd hate for that to get out to anyone.
{Krysta suddenly notices the camera light is red and her eyes widen.}
Crystal:
Sure honey, I won't tell a soul.
{Krysta suddenly screams and runs back off the set yelling something about "I need a cell phone!!"}
Camera Guy:
I'll let you use my cell phone!
{Crystal stands as the crowd begins to laugh at Krysta's disappearance}
Crystal: Well next out we have two of Divas Unleashed two most fashionable lesbians... Tara Lee & Yuku Shiro!!!! Come on out you drag kings!
{There is a few moments of silence.}
Crystal: Come on....
{Crystal looks on the teleprompter as a crew member goes to Crystal's side and whispers in her ear.}
Crystal:What? Jolson & Pandora? Where's my HLA?! DAMN! I lost another one to Superstar... anyway. Pandora & Jolson please come out!
{Jolson & Pandora walk out on seperate sides of the stage and sit on the couches, as Crystal dances to 'Livin Lavida Loca'. Crystal keeps dancing until the music cuts. She then sits down as Pandora & Jolson exchange questionable glances.}
Crystal: Welcome Welcome... so, how are the both of you doing?
Pandora: Couldn't be better
Jolson: These seats are so comfortable...
Pandora: They are not bad.
Crystal: So Jolson, I hear it's mui loco in on the islands.
{Crystal begins doing the hula dance}
Crystal: Come on! Join! O... damn you all.
Pandora: Aren't we suppose to be being interviewed?
Crystal: Ugh, if we must. *tired sigh* What are you opinions on the recent events in Divas Unleashed? That being the battles between Star, Mya, Bianca & Kaci?
Pandora: Who?
Crystal: You know... the Unleashed Champion. The bitch who took my title. The VERY WOMAN WHO.... I mean. You know. Star. The sweet gangsta from the diiiirty south...or... north. O jesus... how hard can Philidelphia be. Will Smith came from there.
Jolson: Ahem, she's a poser! But Kaci's pregnant, I'm going to be an aunt! And who cares about the others.
Pandora: I don't keep up with other lame superstars
Crystal: But Pandora, what would you do if you where in Mya's position? Your long-time boyfreind who is slightly mental rapes your arch rival and gets her pregnant! What would you do?
Pandora: I would get up on my feet and start dancin... oh wait this isn't a city high song is it
Crystal: Yes... umm... honey... whats with the mask? I know you are... "The mystery within"... but the colors, they hurt like a hangover.
Pandora: what's a matter with white and gold
Jolson: It's cliche...
Pandora: like you could do better
Crystal: It just reminds me of the Power Rangers. Oh my god! Jolson! Are you the pink power ranger?!
Jolson: I'm a twin, unoriginality is a gene in me! How would you like it if you couldn't come up with original material? Huh? Huh?!
Pandora: she's the pink powderpuff
Jolson: Power Rangers are world famous and have millions, I would consider myself one
Pandora: there abilities aren't as good as mine
Crystal: Yes... Jolson... lack of originality. It's sad when people suffer from it. Like Pandora, the power ranger. Jolson & Kaci... the twins. Good thing I am completely original. *Drinks martini with sarcastic snicker*
Pandora: the original drunk
Jolson: How come we don't have drinks? That's discrimination against drunks! Twins rather!
Pandora: racist
Crystal: Hey! Hey! Hey! Just because Rita and the rest of the putties are gettin in on Gordon's secret layer, dont go being pissy on me. Racist? Hitler is on that other fashist show. FASH-ist... like FASHion... because you know. they don't have any. Hmm... Jolson. Do you have six toes?
Jolson: You know nothing of my religion!
Pandora: twins have religon?
Crystal: O! Jolson, I was thinking... since I am out of Tiki torches... and your an island native... can I cover your body in wax and light you up like a torch?
Pandora: kinky
Jolson: My herritage is what makes me unique, not even my well trusted partner Kaci's dynasty. I'm sure with all the spandex that Pandora wears, she'd go up in flames.
Pandora: not as good as crystals drinks would
{Crystal begins working her charms to seduce her guests}
Crystal: Flames eh Jolson? Your making me hot! You are a lesbian aren't you?
Jolson: I'm dating the very well endowded Jake EB Wild thank you, if you don't believe me, he can be found banging Krysta at- wait, are we allowed to plug websites?
Crystal: Pandora... wait a minute. Your asian. Your a twin. What the hell?! I knew I had the lesbians on my show. You two sure as hell argue like a married couple?
Pandora: ohm... she definiitly doesn't wear the pants
Crystal: Oh well. You know what they say. The eyes are the window to your soul... and your zipper if the window to your underwear.
Pandora: i see london i see france...
Crystal: I'm not wearing underwear.
{Crystal gets up and moons the audience}
Crystal: See! It's not my under pants.
Pandora: look the moon really is made out cheese. Cottage cheese that is
Jolson: The moon is evil.
Crystal: The moon is where I'll be after my next shot.
Jolson: It controls the tides and it wouldn't produce tsunamis every year which keep wiping out all my family!
Crystal: Speaking of which, you girls want a drink?
{Jolson & Pandora look like they are about to nod their heads.}
Crystal: Good, I wasn't giving you any anyway.
Pandora: In my land we have a word for you.
Crystal: Tzo-Chung-Lei-I-Am-God-Choi-Min? What about Fook Mi?!
{Krysta suddenly appears from backstage, with a cellphone in hand and another white stain down her shirt.}
Crystal: Oh! Krysta... I see you where able to "blow away" someone into a cell phone. Oh yea! Your guests are here!
Pandora: what are you J lo?
Krysta: How long have they been here?!
Crystal: A while...
Krysta: Jolson! Pandora! Dear god... she didn't give you anything to drink did she?
Pandora: not yet... at least i think so
Jolson: Well, if it isn't Krysta Taylor...
Pandora: Who?
Jolson: Can you not see through that mask?
Krysta: Okay... good. She gave a drink earlier to Anna Nicole, and ever since that woman has been sleeping with every guy on the set!
Pandora: No... but i can see through your ears.
Jolson: Want me to unleash a can of Vehan Lehl on your ass?
Pandora: who?
Crystal: It's horrible! It's like that old movie "The Blob"... it just rolls over everything and swallows people whole!
{Jolson, Pandora & Crystal continue argueing, as they ignore Krysta.}
Krysta: DAMN IT LISTEN TO ME!!!
Pandora: Oh... Blob right? Wasn't that a japenese movie
{Krysta finally snaps}
Krysta: I have been thrown in a tuna tank, chased after by cats because I smelled like fish, and then gave blowjobs to complete strangers to get clothes and a cellphone...
Pandora: kinky
Crystal: Just like any other day isn't it?
Krysta: And now... the TWO divas who I want to interview are argueing!
Jolson: She started it!
Pandora: who?
Crystal: Oh. krysta.... I didn't know you felt that way. Here... I'll go off stage and let you have your interview time okay? They are all yours.
{Crystal gives a heartfelt look and a pat on Krysta's head before walking off the stage and into the camera equipment area.}
Krysta: *sigh* Alright. Shall we begin?
Pandora: yes
Krysta: So... Pandora, *reads telepromter* is it true that you are a lesbian?
{Pandora slaps Krysta.}
Pandora: I'm not Yuku Shiro god damn it!!!
Krysta: WHAT IN THE FUCK!?!
Pandora: Well there was this one time at band camp...
{Crystal seen typing in telepromter, as Pandora gets a reassured nod on her face.}
Pandora: No I am not
Krysta: I QUIT!
{Crystal immediately runs back out on stage.}
Crystal: You can't quit! Krysta... you mean so much to the Dating Line crew...
{The crew grab their crotches & nod}
Crystal: All your porn videos... and special segments and interviews. We wouldn't be the show we are today if it wasn't for you... right Pandora & Jolson?
{Crystal nudges Pandora}
Pandora: ohm sure...
{Crystal nudges Jolson}
Crystal: RIGHT YOU GUYS? Krysta can't quit....*wink*
Jolson: I'm remaing silent because of the discrimination I've suffered this evening. Krysta needs a job, she can't scrouge of my boyfriend
Crystal: Jolson... that was just rude!.... But absoulutely true. Krysta your fired.
Krysta: What?
Crystal: Anna! Your hired!
{Dating Line set begins shaking, resembling that of Jurrassic Park water scene}
Pandora: Is this a godzilla reference?
Crystal: Yes... it's godzilla! Run crazy asian lady! run!
Jolson: Didn't he totally kill thousands of Japanese people?
Pandora: yeah kinda like americans did. Damn americans.
{Anna appears from curtain in slow motion, with rabid look of hunting animal on her face, and a small peice of chicken hanging from her lips.}
Jolson: *whispers* Has she broken anything yet?
{Audience begins the scream and run as Anna roars and Crystal, Jolson, Krysta & Pandora flee in the madness along side the audience as Dating Line closes to logo}
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