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Date: January 17th 2004
The Show [The Mirage hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada blackens as the audience who sit comfortably in their relaxing red chairs and the fans on the upper deck and in the lower portion cheer for this darkness which signals something is about to happen. The audience murmur before the lights resume as the camera pans to the stage.] [There is a flight of stairs which spread around in a semi-circular motion and are in a black, three silhouette boxes have been erected in equally spread positions at the top. Lights shine from each of the boxes and reveal three female body figures; a loud revving noise is heard, as an army colored and regalia filled jeep drives from around the corner of the step. At the back sits while an army clad masked person sits at the controls of a machine gun turret. The jeep pulls to a halt in front of each of the shadow images, and the person aims their weapon. They begins to firing furiously, making numerous cuts and shreds of the light material of the boxes, and the lady images have now disappeared.] [The mysteriously masked then hops of the position on the jeep, and he also brings out an electric guitar with him, the vehicle speeds off of the stage. The person raises their hand above their head after putting the guitar across their shoulder, the hand removes the mask via a zip and it is revealed that behind the mask is Dave Navarro, who throws the concealing object to the side and begins to play a tune.] [The theme is recognizable as “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” as up from the stair top comes three women, who get a large reaction. A woman puts the microphone to her mouth, as her outfit is anything but revealing. Each women wears black leather in variations. “Now there was a time, when we used to say, that behind every great man, there had to be a great woman” is the first verse as it appears that Star is singing as each of them take one step down from their darkness shade and into the light where it reveals that joining the Goddess is Kaci Russell and Mya of all people.] [Mya is kitted in leather pants and a cut top which is from her navel up, whereas Kaci has a leather mini skirt on and a tube top not to mention complete with leather boots. Star is wearing booty shorts with a tie back top with her hair sloped over one shoulder while she begins to sing into the song as the trio make their way down the steps.] [The three slowly climb down the last step before accelerating to the front of the stage where the Unleashed champion, Mya, takes her turn in boasting her voice to the audience. The three all join in for the chorus as they sexily grind up against each other with both Star and Kaci rolling down the legs and body of Mya.] [“Sisters are doing it for themselves, standing on their two feet, ringing on their own bells, sisters are doing it for themselves” Mya pushes her fellow grinders away to sing the second verse. Kaci then grabs Star’s arm and spins her around while the two walk towards Mya with their bodies close.] [Dave Navarro electrifies the stage with a guitar solo while the Anti-Hero, Glittering Goddess and Pinnacle of Perfection do a small dance with each other. This involves grabbing each other’s boobs and asses with a lot of dominatrix type moves which keep the red-blooded males of the audience stand at attention.] [The end of the Jane’s Addiction member causes Kaci to put her leg over the shoulder of Star who brushes her hands over her thigh and sings at the same time “the inferior sex, has got a new exterior” Star’s hand creep up and remove the hidden garter of Kaci bringing it down her long legs while the three get in a straight line which each other. They drop to the left before swaying their hips to thrust their asses in the air on the right. The female anthem comes to an end as the audience give a well deserved round of applause of this performance.] [Star smiles and blows kisses to her fans; Mya hints of a smile but just nods her head to the standing members of the audience and grabs Star around the waist as they leave the stage and Kaci walks forward with her microphone still in hand and smile on her face. Kaci stops with the spotlight all on her standing with her hand on her hips, a microphone to her lips]
Kaci: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the 2004 Feminity Wrestling awards! This awards show is better than just about any other. I mean, unlike
the Tony's, we have actual meaning. Unlike the Screen Actor's Guild
Awards, we aren't stuck up and snobby. More importantly, unlike the MTV awards, we don’t need straight women kissing to earn international fame!
["Brake of Your Car" begins playing as Kaci looks around and Crystal walks out on stage as the crowd begins cheering once again. Crystal walks over seductively to Kaci, and immediately plants one on the Pinnacle of Perfection's face! The crowd erupts as Crystal begins to walk backstage, as Kaci is left stunned.]
Kaci: Where are you going?
Crystal: Huh? Is the spoof over? I mean, I am here just for the lesbian play on play. After all…who has awards shows without the gays?!
[Crystal pokes her tongue out at Kaci and turns back to the diva. Crystal stands with one hand in her pocket, with her microphone in the other and the two divas are introducing the ceremony together.]
Kaci: What a party we have for you guys tonight! The bevies of beauties that make up the Divas Unleashed are all in the house and will be getting hammered to celebrate their confederacy plus how could we forget? We’re joined by the insatiable stars of Hollywood and let me tell you girls! There are some seriously hot men being seen tonight! I’m Kaci Russell, your hostess for this evening.
Crystal: I’m Crystal, your other hostess for this evening and unfortunately, for the next two hours I am forbidden from even getting remotely drunk! It’s not fair! We’ll see the year 2003 in review as we award the divas for all their hard work and basically have the biggest party in the world tonight to celebrate all that is Divas Unleashed!
Kaci: But that’s not all we have on offer for you tonight as we have some of the biggest stars in music and Divas Unleashed performing for you too. We’ll see the Bod Squad with the ultimate tag team partners and also a special sneak preview of Jake EB Wild’s first CD, the world premiere only here tonight at the Feminity Wrestling Awards!
Crystal: Divas Unleashed celebrates its first year and to mark the occasion, we’ve got tons of awards to dish out tonight so we won’t waste any more and let’s get the show rolling! Here to present the award for Best Non-Wrestling Character, a woman who definitely knows how to get our party started. There’s no doubt she’ll be causing trouble tonight, give it up for Pink!
[The hosts walk off the stage and we cut to the entrance steps where the presenter has to walk downwards and a little distance to read the podium to present. “Trouble” plays as Pink walks out in a devil dress complete with a tail, she wanders over to the podium and waves to some of her fans and starts to read from her autocue.]
Pink: Even though watching lapped up women covered in baby oil, roll around the ring and getting into many precarious positions, sometimes you’re favorite shot of the show can be the non-wrestling aspect, whether it’s a valet, a staff member or a power-mad low-life, all of which are nominated for the “Best Non-Wrestling Character”. Here are the nominees…
[The camera then cuts away into a vignette. We first see the moment when Christian Morales announces his new ownership and his greed for power. That is followed by Kristin Wallace reforming the Bod Squad and various shots of her picking up victories for her team. Then we see Renegade at ringside getting all hot and making ludicrous comments. Shane Rockford winning full ownership at My Immortal and finally Tequila caught in that compromising situation with Shane at Demonology. The vignette ends.]
[We cut to Pink who is now holding the golden envelope and a statuette of a golden woman playing an instrument is sitting on the podium. Pink smiles and then opens the envelope slowly.]
Pink: Tequila!
[“Son of a Gun” by Janet Jackson hits the sound system and Tequila gets up from her chair as people applaud. Tequila then climbs up onto the stage and accepts the award from Pink, kissing her on the cheek, a silent award show rule. She then puts her hand on the award and speaks.]
Tequila: Wow, I was so convinced I was not going to win tonight so I have no speak prepared what so ever. I just want to thank Christian, Kristin, Shane and everyone else involved in that big feud. Thank you guys for voting for me, and I hope to pick this up next year! Oh yeah, I want to thank Divas Unleashed! Of course!
[Janet Jackson replays and Pink and Tequila exit as we have a clean audience look over and then focus on Kaci who is standing on a balcony area facing the camera in her previous attire from her performance. She smiles and then speaks bringing the microphone to her face.]
Kaci: With our first performance of the evening, a woman who is vastly becoming one of the most talked about females on the planet. With her is the refreshing sound of a group which I can’t say enough good things about. Here to perform “Going Under”, please welcome Miss Rhiannon and Evanescence!
[The stage is designed with an aquarium. Miss Rhiannon is inside with her arms and legs sprawled into a diamond design. Amy Lee is then shown being lowered down from the ceiling, she jumps onto the top of the box and lays down as the harness goes back up into the ceiling. Amy then begins to sing the opening few lines of the song with no backing, tracks. Amy then stands on the edge of the front of the cage, the front glass of the tank then falls forward as Amy Lee lands on her feet. Instead of the water rushing out instead Miss Rhiannon falls forward like she’s dead and slumps over Amy’s shoulder, the point of impact being when the band begins to start up. Amy then drops Miss Rhiannon to her feet, and pushes her onto the floor on the point of the line “I’m going under” and Amy straddles her on top.]
[Miss Rhiannon then has a microphone in her hand and she pushes Amy over and then climbs to her feet. She performs her second verse with her foot on Amy’s chest as the two are playing a dominatrix type role. The song ends with the duo, Miss Rhiannon is dressed in a blue dress and Amy in her signature style. Amy and Rhiannon then end their performance as they both fall backwards to the floor and the fans applaud. We then cut to where Crystal is backstage and walking along a corridor with lots of dressing rooms. The microphone is at her lips as she walks.]
Crystal: Here to present ‘Best On-Screen Team’ is a woman who needs know introduction and truly is the angel of darkness, with her, a Hollywood bad boy who I wouldn’t mind seeing in my hotel room. So let’s see the on-screen chemistry between Angelina Jolie and Colin Farrell!
[Colin Farrell and Angelina Jolie make their way down the entrance with Angelina holding the envelope and both are casually dressed. They make their entrance to the music of “Baracuda” by Heart, the two reach the podium as Angelina pouts and Colin reads the autocue.]
Colin Farrell: A group can be the most legendary people in history. The Beatles. The Rat Pack. The Spice Girls. The Backstreet Boys and of course, Alcoholics Anonymous!
Angelina Jolie: That’s right but then you have the classic double acts too. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. Tom and Jerry. But all of these have one thing in common; they were on screen and a team. Here are the nominees “Best On-Screen” team.
[The nominees screen then comes up. We see the entire pin falls from Crystal and Cleopatra as Evil Majesty reigns supreme as the Tag Team championships. We see Gemini’s entrance and Jolson and Kaci walking to the ring in unison. We cut to the Lost Souls group decimating Jolson. We then cut to Mindless Illusions assaulting various people and their spectacular entrance as it ends on Angel, Lei Yu and Mystika. Finally, we see the Bod Squad reforming attacking Mya and Kaci as Crystal, Kristin and Katrina are shown posing to end the vignette.]
Angelina Jolie: And the winners are…
[Angelina opens the envelope as Colin reads the names.]
Colin Farrell: With a large lead above the others. The winners are Crystal, Kristin Wallace and Katrina! The Bod Squad!
[“Money, Power Respect” hits the PA system as Kristin Wallace and Katrina embrace in the aisle as Crystal emerges from the down the steps entrance-way. Crystal hugs Angelina and squeezes Colin’s ass, Kristin does the same, and Katrina does too leaving Colin’s ass red. They then hug each other before Kristin speaks.]
Kristin Wallace: I just want to say as the leader of the Bod Squad, what a great pleasure we have had running this tag team and it’s been a great experience. Without this group I wouldn’t be here today, so on behalf of Crystal and Katrina I just want to thank all the fans that voted, supported, and reacted to us. Thanks so much for our little golden lady!
[The fivesome then walk off as Kaci reappears on the stage in a white dress and overall outfit as she has her hair tied back, and looks totally different understandably. She ignores Kristin, typically, and introduces what’s coming up next.]
Kaci: Introducing one of my very good friends, a person who’s lingerie is sizzling as she gives Victoria’s Secret a run for her money. To introduce ‘Best Stripped Stipulation’, the bitchy cheerleader herself, Jaime Pressly!
[Jaime makes her way down the entrance ramp in a black dress, her hair over her face slightly as from the speakers and into the room blasts “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” by Good Charlotte. Jaime does a wave to the fans and speaks.]
Jaime Pressly: What can make tonight more interesting? Crystal and Kaci playing a game of tonsil hockey? Pamela Anderson losing her top? A fight between Justin Timberlake and Colin Farrell? Or a crazy Stripped stipulations that will rock the core of the show?
[That is the cue for the nominees to role as we see the various stipulations over the past year and their finest moments. This features Mystika hitting Crystal over the head with a dildo. Miss Rhiannon dancing around in the ring shaking her ass. A ring designed in total candy, with sweets and candy floss everywhere. Katrina and Star stripping over in their poker encounter. The vignette ends.]
[Jamie opens the envelope.]
Jaime Pressly: The Best Stripped Stipulation is…Member on a Pole!
[Instead of anyone excepting the award, Jaime takes it off-stage as “Did My Time” by Korn plays onto a new vignette which shows the highlights of the match. The camera then cuts to Crystal who is standing in a new outfit of a sparkling black dress with her hair down, she smirks.]
Crystal: Two out three. I’m doing pretty well, I think I’ll need to grow some extra arms in order to carry all my statues out later on. Here to present Best Valet, a woman who knows how to swipe from other people, a woman who’s got her own reality television show, a woman who knows what she wants…Anna Nicole Smith!
[Anna Nicole walks out down the stairs dressed as Marilyn Monroe, to orchestral music, a black piano is then on stage as she struts over to it instead of the poem. She climbs onto the stool and then lays onto the piano with her short dress allowing you to see everything. She then uses her microphone to sing. “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” as she gets into it the piano collapses under her weight and she slumps to the floor. Men in black rush onto the stage to check if she’s okay as we cut to the vignette.]
[We see Gabriel attacking various divas in order to score Mya a victory. Lei Yu dictating backstage and hitting a diva with a crucifix. Kristin Wallace smiling in the ring and low blowing Shaneo. Jake EB Wild nailing a 450 splash onto one of Oceania’s opponents. Jackman chokeslamming and powerbombing some of the divas with Indigo. The vignette ends.]
[Anna Nicole is holding and ice pack to her forehead and tries to open the envelope with one hand but fails, so a man has to help her. She announces the winner.]
Anna Nicole Smith: Gabriel!
[The sound of Cult of Luna play and Anna Nicole falls backwards and faints as the medics rush onto the stage. Mya is shown clapping and Tara Lee’s eye’s narrowing and she’s seen mouthing “we should’ve won” to Yuku. Gabriel goes onto the stage and steps over Anna Nicole, he raises his award and kicks Anna Nicole as she rolls to the edge and falls of the stage as people gasp.]
Gabriel: Well, well, well, how could it have been anyone else? I just want to thank Mya, because without her there’s no one else to thank. We are independent, we are soul mates. We’re going to dominate this evening. Goodnight.
[Mya is seen almost smiling as Tara rolls her eyes. Anna Nicole is then seen being carried backstage on a stretcher. Kaci walks onto the stage with Crystal, both dressed in black sparkly dresses with their hair down.]
Kaci:
Crystal: What do you mean? Do you think I should work on my routine?
Kaci: Oh no, I just think there are funnier people out there!
Crystal: Really? Tell me Kaci, who?
Kaci: Okay, we’ve given out four awards, and I’m still empty handed…
Crystal: Well I have two. I’m on fire!
Kaci: Yes, but these next to presenters have bundles of awards in comedy!
Crystal: Rude!
Kaci: I know!
Crystal: Please welcome the cat in the hat himself, the international man of mystery, goldmember and he truly is shag-a-delic, Mike Myers…
Kaci: With him is an almighty ace of comedy, a man who has been in more precarious positions than any diva in this room…Jim Carrey…
Crystal: Mike Myers and Jim Carrey!
[“I’ve Got The Power” hits the PA system as Mike Myers and Jim Carrey make their way down the steps to a standing microphone, Jim is dressed as street hooker with a short hot pants on and a bra, with his wig in a miss and a cigarette in the other. Mike Myers looks slightly amused as the two reach the microphone.]
Mike Myers: Hey street hooker, want the nominees?
Jim Carrey: Who’s in it?
Mike Myers: We’ve got a fab five of the new generations of comedy and sadly for you, none have talked out of their asses.
Jim Carrey: I’m the original.
Mike Myers: Without further ado, here are the nominees for Best Comedic Performance…
[The nominees come onto the screen. We see Crystal playing with alcohol. Holly Wentz slipping coffee. Jake EB Wild being crude. Krysta Taylor getting her leg stuck on a pole and falling awkwardly and finally, Renegade getting all excited at ringside with his face of pure joy. The screen ends.]
Jim Carrey: And the winner is…Crystal!
[“Brackish” plays over the PA system as Crystal walks from backstage, she kisses Mike but seems slightly freaked out by Jim. Crystal picks up her award and Jim grabs her waist, Crystal then runs away from him as he follows as they chase backstage. “Hip Hop Star” by Beyonce Knowles interrupts the sounds of Kittie, as Star walks out onto the steps in her stunning white dress. She smiles and speaks into her microphone.]
Star: It is my honor to introduce to you the next act, as an attractive woman I’ve had my fair share of groping from this next performer. He is a party animal, the king of swingers, and overall, a wild child. Please welcome, Jake EB Wild!
[The lights dim as Star’s heels carrying her off the stage while the audience applauds, suddenly a bright light forms behind a man standing in front of a microphone. It shows his silhouette, he begins to whisper “1, 2, 3, 4, 5” when suddenly trumpets and other jazz instruments begin to play. The tune is instantly recognizable as “Mambo Number Five” as Jake stands in front of the microphone wearing a tank top and jeans. He has two blonde women dressed in S&M at his feet and on leads as other lesbians crawl along the stage.]
[“A little bit of Katrina in my life, a little bit of Rhiannon by side, a little of Mya all night long, a little bit of Nyssa here I am!” Jake begins to tug on the leads as the women act like dogs. From the side of the stage walk on four men with whips with their faces enwrapped in masks as they begin to discipline the unruly women. Suddenly the podium that Jake is standing on begins to rise as it expands into a double bed. He begins to still stand as another woman crawls from under the covers which appears to be Jenna Jameson. The foursome then begins to dance weirdly.]
[The perform comes to end when Jake and his cronies disappear off the stage. The audience rise to their feet for the performance as onto the stage re-walks Crystal who has recovered from her traumatic chase.]
Crystal: The next award is for Best Cameo Appearance and to present it is a woman who’s the dark angel of comebacks, you wouldn’t believe how she looks, I did. I thought it was surgery, probably was, ahem…Demi Moore!
[“She’s A Lady” hits the sound system as Demi walks from the entranceway in a long patchwork dress as she smiles and waves to the crowd as the men cheer and the women drool. We cut to the audience to see how is applauding as we such old faces such as Pandora, Lorisa Stiletto and Blair Spikes.]
Demi Moore: I’m here to present the award for best Cameo appearance, which I guess is similar to what I’m doing now right? Hehe. Anyway, I’m too drunk for this, at my age too, pfft. Nominees!
[We cut away as we see Evanescence plummeting to the entrance of My Immortal in a pyramid. Drew Carey getting excited after being hugged by Star. Marky Chavez putting his card between Kaci’s breasts. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell getting into a fight with Crystal and finally Lil’ Kim beating the hell out of Tara Reid.]
Demi Moore: All wonderful candidates, wait a minute, I’m NOT nominated? What? Come on! Oh well, maybe I’ll wait ten years and then try to win an award. I am living on one film afterall, the winner or should I say winners are…Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell!
[Goldie Hawn smiles and gets excited with hand gestures as she and her long-time beau make their way to the stage. Demi hands them their award and then stumbles backwards. Goldie addresses the audience.]
Goldie Hawn: Kaci honey, you know you’re doing badly when even we pick up an award! Wow, this is so great. We seem to get awards every time we come here! I just want to thank DU for letting us appear. Thank you for the award. Oh and Kaci I hope you made Mark work for it, don’t give it to him all
at once.
[Camera cuts to Kaci who smiles.]
Kaci: Gee, thanks. Our next presenters are two people I have a lot in common with. For one, I went on a summer tour with last year and am now dating his best friend, plus he’s super-sweet. The other, is an asshole who couldn’t keep it in his pants while we were in our relationship dickhead! Honestly, how hard is it? I know I’m good in bed! I was enough! I would do anything and did! Jeez!
[Kaci shakes her head.]
Kaci: Anyway, here’s Justin Timberlake and Kevin fucking Richardson! Ugh!
[Kaci walks off the stage in a huff while “Rock Your Body” starts up. In walks Justin and Kevin to a reaction of screams as the presenters smile after the song finishes and the girls, and some guys, are still going.]
Justin Timberlake: What a wonderful introduction wasn’t it Kevin? Anyhoo, we’re here to present to the award for Best Feud. There’s many a few of famous feuds, such as N*Sync versus the Backstreet Boys, except with N*Sync-
Kevin Richardson: You sucked.
Justin Timberlake: Kaci was right you were, you are a dickhead.
Kevin Richardson: Grow up.
Justin Timberlake: I think I made my money like everyone else up in here!
[We quickly cut away from the feuding boy banders as the nominees come up on the screen. We see Chimera and Mila plowing over Tara’s dog Reece. Indigo dominating the Bod Squad. Mya and Star battling furiously, with various high spots. Christian Moralez hitting Kristin Wallace before getting attacked by Shane Rockford is shown and then finally Katrina and Crystal tumbling from the top of a ladder.]
Kevin Richardson: First of all, you sucked my-
Justin Timberlake: Heyyy! We’re back! Okay! Haha! Kevin will you do the honours?
[Kevin opens the golden envelope and reads aloud.]
Kevin Richardson: Christian, Kristin and Shane. Ownership Overdrive.
[“Faint” by Linkin Park is heard on the PA system as the two presenters go back to bickering while applauding. Shane Rockford helps Kristin Wallace onto the stage up the steps as the two accept the award. The ex-fiancées looking smug next to each other.]
Shane Rockford: We’re so pleased to get this award because the feud really did take a lot of out of us and ran for a really long time so we are nothing but grateful. I just want to thank Christian who can’t be here tonight, Kristin of course, and everyone who voted for us!
Kristin Wallace: I just want to say how gutted I was at losing out on the ownership and also that on behalf of all the divas, we’d like to thank you for voting for us overall tonight.
[“Rock Your Body” replays as the two leave the screen together, Bianca comes on stage and waves towards the foursome who are exiting. Bianca quiets the crowd and speaks through a microphone. She smiles to the crowd.]
Bianca: These next two performers have something in common. They’re both married to guys who are hot. They’ve been both renowned for being sex icons. They’ve both been choreographed by Wade Robson and they’re both singing Irresistible to you tonight. Please welcome Katrina Helms and Jessica Simpson!
[The opening tune begins to play as Katrina and Jessica begin to emerge from a large circular podium which houses steps down the front. They are back to back to each other and both dressed in leather white dresses, Jessica and Katrina begin to sway their hips as they begin to sing. “You know, I don’t know what it is but everything about you is so irrestiable”. The duo slowly walks down the steps together each taking turns in singing verses.]
[When the chorus enters the two imitate the routine as shirtless men are all over them rubbing against the two married women. The two then ascend back up to their podium still singing in the process as the men push up the steps behind them. The two then join arms and when the song comes to an end, they thrust them into the air which sets off a large pyrotechnic behind them as the fans begin to clap. The two exit the stage. Crystal walks on wearing a large top hat and a all in one red swimsuit.]
Crystal: Hey everyone, having a good time?
[The crowd shows it’s approval.]
Crystal: Well guys get your hands over your crotchs and act normal because our next present has only ten years to live so you better be quick and get in there fast! Though you better take a plunger. Please welcome to present ‘Best Return’. The babe of the beach herself…Pamela Anderson!
[“I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred plays as the blonde makes her way down the ramp. She stops on the second step and disrobes her black coat to reveal she is wearing nothing but a red bikini and the male fans cheer. The camera catches Dee Snuts rolling her eyes.]
Pamela Anderson: The presentation of this award is an honor. It is really. I’ve been blessed with such great slow motion sequences that it makes me just pray for the others who don’t get them, especially in their return because you want to capture every minute of it. Here are the nominees!
[We see Taylor attacking Gemini in their quest for the Unleashed Championship. Jolson and Kaci assaulting Mya and returning as a team. Big Nasty being announced by Christian Moralez and then dominating Jake EB Wild. Dominatrix and Christian Moralez returning together with Dominatrix looking smug.]
Pamela Anderson: And the winner is…Gemini!
[“How Soon is Now?” plays over the audience as Jolson gets from her seat and hugs Jake. Kaci then walks backstage with a smirk on her face, Jolson joins her as Kaci speaks first after hugging, well trying to reach Pamela.]
Kaci:
[Jolson wants to speak but Kaci ushers her away as Pamela follows them off the stage. Kaci then struts back to her position next to Crystal as Crystal raises her eyebrows.]
Crystal: You only got one? I have like five now!
Kaci: You probably slept with all the producers or judges or…fans!
Crystal: I have an award for you!
Kaci: Oh really?!
Crystal: Nooo!
Kaci: Hey Crys, I have an award for you too.
Crystal: Oh?!
Kaci: Ut-ah! No-no! Psych!
Crystal: Ugh, dammit!
Kaci: Anyway, we have to introduce our next “fabulous” presenters-
Crystal: Oh! Oh! They’ve got style, they’ve got grace, they’ve got glamour, they got shot in the face! Hahaha! Hehe! It’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!
[All of the regulars are then pushed up from the stage and stand in model poses like on their television show. They all walk forward and stop a microphone where they wave to the crowd. The blonde is the first to speak.]
Carson: It’s just a fabulous show! We’re so fantasomagic to be here! And I must saw, some of the divas looking very nice in their Gucci and Versace! Hmm! Well we’re here to present the Best Dressed, which we know tons about so go on and get the nominees rolling! Go on! You know you want to!
[Jai snatches the envelope.]
Jai: Oh screw it! Let’s be bad! Hehehehe!
[Jai opens up the envelope and reads before any of the others can stop him. The others look pissed at the little gay man.]
Jai: Kaci Russell! Whoo!
[Jai claps but the others stare him as he stops. Kaci walks onto the stage with another smug look on her face. Instead of giving a speech she just grabs the statuette and puts it down her top and walks off as the gays look confused and leave.]
[Onto the stage walks Crystal once again, she dances to the Queer Eye tune and then stops and looks seriously at the camera. She adjusts herself and introduces the next presenters.]
Crystal: Kaci seems to be catching up to me, I should SO be allowed to drink for all the awards I’ve won. To present our next award is are two newlyweds…Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey!
[“Crazy In Love” by Beyonce plays as Jessica has changed out of her previous outfit into a long blue gown as her husband is wearing a suit. They wave at the camera as they approach the glass podium. Jessica begins to giggle.]
Nick Lachey: We are here to present the best couple award, you know when you’re a true couple when you don’t care that your wife mixes up chicken and tuna.
Jessica Simpson: It’s an easy mistake! Nick!
Nick Lachey: So therefore we would like to hand out this award especially from MTV too, because without them, I would be nothing. Well, I am nothing.
[Jessica frowns as the camera cuts to the nominees. We see Tara Lee and Billy Martin from Good Charlotte kissing. Katrina and Shane Helms on their wedding day. Tequila and Shane Rockford caught in that position. Indigo and Jackman smiling at each other. Miss Rhiannon grabbing Patrick Swayze’s ass.]
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