Sunday July 12th 2009
[We cut into the arena and the fans are on their feet, cheering, thrusting their signs into the air. The theme to Exile blasts over the arena, as the camera pans away from the stage, over the ring, over the commentators and into the cheering crowd. The camera then pans around the arena to see the signs held by the fans, with the signs in an arrange of colours and messages. The director of the show picks out his favourite: "Icenique is my home girl!", "Tara gave me crabs!" and "Marry Me Madison!" are just a select few. The audience cheers as we pan around the audience once more before we cut to JLT and Leah at ringside. They smile at the camera.]
JLT: Hello! We're coming to you live from Seattle Washington fresh off our last pay-per-view, Terror In Tokyo!!
Leah: I wouldn't call any of these bitches "fresh", but yes, we're finally back in the good ol' U.S. of A! Thank god. I was sooo tired of using a trough for the restroom.I still shudder at the memory of it all.
JLT: Well, that wasn't the only memory that we have left from Tokyo. For those of you who have been living under a rock, Tara Lee has become the President of Divas Unleashed and made the announcement just after Crystal defeated Meggie for the Unleashed Championship. Following Tara's announcement, she fired the newly crowned champion, vacating the title! Crystal's gone!
Leah: Thank god too, I was tired of her peeing on everything. I was initially against Tara being in charge, but since she's signing my checks now, I'm totally for it now. Tara rocks!.
JLT: You're just being a kiss-ass so you don't get fired.
Leah: You're damn right! Did you see how many hookers got fired this week?! Tiger Lily, KibbyD, Maya Okosaki, Luna... I don't want my name added to that list! I can't bat my eyelashes and show my cleavage to gt my way like I could with Shane. I hate this bitch.
JLT: Well, regardless of whether we get fired or not, Terror In Tokyo will still go down in history as a spectacle for Divas Unleashed. One match in particular that stood out in my memory as particularly brutal was of course the rematch between Katie Kooper and Makaze for the Rockford State Championship.
Leah: Katie's still out from the injures and she won the match... which makes me wonder how the hell Makaze's still standing. Then again, she is Asian. She probably just ate some soybeans, put some ginkgo on her wounds and was good to go.
JLT: Hello! We're coming to you live from Seattle Washington fresh off our last pay-per-view, Terror In Tokyo!!
Leah: I wouldn't call any of these bitches "fresh", but yes, we're finally back in the good ol' U.S. of A! Thank god. I was sooo tired of using a trough for the restroom. I still shudder at the memory of it all.
Tara Lee Invitational Round One:
["Lollipop" by Death Cab For Cutie begins to play over the arena's PA system - and over it, we can just make out the sound of squeaking castor wheels running over bare steel plating...just before a lightning-quick streak of pink bursts through the curtains and begins to trundle down towards the ring.]
John Roe: The following contest is a First-Round four-way match in the Tara Lee Invitational tournament! On her way to the ring first...from Pleasantville, New York, weighing in at 152 pounds...COOOOLLEEEEEN ROOOOOOAAAADES!
JLT: Well, it seems that, while the tag champs impatiently await new challengers, Colleen's been given a major opportunity to shine on her lonesome - but can she capitalize on it without Roxie backing her up?
Leah: How does 'no' sound to you?
JLT: A bit dismissive, considering that two of the other three girls in this match, unlike Colleen, have yet to taste gold in DU...
Leah: Uh-huh, and the other one's ma homegurl. So little miss nostalgia hasn't got a hope in hell.
[Colleen smiles broadly as she waves out to the crowd. She rolls her way down the ramp, but as she reaches the bottom, she has trouble stopping, and crashes into the ring. Grabbing her ribs in pain, she keeps her smile, and rolls into the ring, untying her skates off to show her pink boots, and then disrobes her fluffy sweater and poodle skirt to reveal a blinding pink & white singlet.]
["Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven blares over the arena's PA. Within seconds of words “Well, I'm not paralyzed”, a woman with sharply-defined features and eye-bleedingly garish dress sense emerges from the backstage. She artistically waves her hands in front of her before she pushes her right hand to her hip, sticking it to the side wildly. Then she, with little expression on her face, walks down with the ring while swaying her hips from side to side as her arms remain at the side tightly. The whole time, she ignores the crowd.]
John Roe: And the opponents...first, from New York, New York, weighing in at 129 pounds...this is TOOOTALLYYYYYYYY RAAAAAAADD!
[Upon reaching ringside, Radd turns around and pushes her hip with her left hand. She lifts her right arm up diagonally while holding her wrist limp. Suddenly she snaps the fingers on her right hand. Just as she does this, a beacon of light highlights her from backstage. She whips around back to the ring and climbs the stairs while the beacon fades out. At the center she stops to gawk at the referee for his laziness in not holding the ropes for her. When he does, she enters and waits for the bell to ring while waiting in a corner as her theme dies down.]
JLT: As regular viewers will no doubt be aware, Radd has recently become associated with our current President, Tara Lee - which many believe to be the source of her current fortunes. A shot at Rockford contendership last Exile, and now in the tournament this week...
Leah: Sometimes, it really does pay to be a lesbian.
JLT: They're not together like THAT, Leah!
Leah: You sure? It wouldn't be the first time for Tara, and...well, it's Radd. Just look at her!
JLT: What does her appearance have to - OW!
Leah: I didn't touch you!
JLT: No, I just...looked directly at Radd's top. It's like staring into the sun...
[Suddenly "Re-Education" by Rise Against hits the PA system as red spotlights circle around on the stage. A well-built, brown-haired woman in baggy shorts and a tank top stalks out on stage and raises a taped fist as the crowd cheers out. She runs from one side of the ramp to the other before walking down towards the ring.]
John Roe: Next, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, weighing in at 141 pounds...JESSICAAAAAAA MAAAAAAARSH!
JLT: Jessica...has me at a bit of a loss for words, it must be said.
Leah: She made you shut up? I love her already.
JLT: No, what I mean is, she's an incredibly skilled and experienced athlete, and I have all the respect in the world for that...but her last promo chilled me to the bone, frankly.
Leah: And that puts her even higher in my estimation!
JLT: Leah...she said she'd break Icenique's legs if Icey wins tonight.
Leah: Oh. Major uncoolness. Somebody kick that blonde right in her barely-there boobs for me!
[Waving to the crowd, Jessica knees up onto the ring apron, pulls herself up and then dusts off her feet before stepping in under the bottom rope. Heading to the center, she points down at the 'DU' logo beneathe her feet and raises up both fists! The red spotlights still circle the ring in the darkened arena as Jessica nods to the fans, preparing for her match. She regards Colleen and Radd coolly as she does so.]
[Suddenly, the lights of the arena begin to strobe on and off in a fast tempo as the song “Krazy”by Pitbull begin to blare out of the speakers.]
[INTRO:] Boom Boom I'm a make em go KRAZY...
John Roe: Lastly...from Miami Beach, Florida, weighing in at 145 pounds...the Wil Card...IIIIIIICENIIIIIIIQUE!
Leah: WOOT!
[As the chorus progresses, fog is pouring out of all the entrances. A spot light hits one of the main entrances and Icenique finally runs out as the crowds scream her name.]
Now Jump up let's get Krazy...
JLT: Leah!
Leah: Mmm?
JLT: Stop singing!
Leah: Don't infringe on my vocals, bee-hive-itch! Step off!
JLT: Bee what?
[Icenique slaps fives to her nearby fans. Cameras flashes blend in with the red and black strobe lights now going crazy. Once she gets to the ring, red and silver pyros blow up in the corners. Icenique slides in the ring and centers herself in the ring as the music trails off....and turns around at a tap on her shoulder - right into a nasty Headbutt from Jessica!]
JLT: GAH! That's exactly what I was talking about before!
[As Icenique raises one hand to her crushed nose, Jessica catches it and twists it sharply, wrenching hard enough to damn near pop the limb out of its socket. Colleen, frowning at such a blatant display of poor sportsmanship, steps forward to do something about it - only to be floored by a Savate Kick from Radd! The failed supermodel then takes hold of Icey's other arm and helps Jessica whip the Wild Card across the ring. Icey rebounds from the ropes - and takes both Jessica and Radd down with a double leaping Clothesline! Jessica rolls to her feet quickly - only to get taken straight back down by a Dropkick from Icenique! Radd is next to stand - and winds up being thrown over Icenique's head via Belly-to-Belly Suplex! The force of the throw causes Radd to roll straight out of the ring, before Icey redirects her attention towards Jessica, and lunging forwards with a massive Haymaker - ]
CRACK!
[ - but she's intercepted mid-swing by a spectacular Butterfly Kick! The impact makes Icenique spin for almost a full 360 degrees before falling straight down on her face.]
JLT: Holy rejected script for Jurassic Park 4! Did you see the height Jessica got on that kick?!
Leah: I know, it was like...three whole feet. Oh Em Gee.
JLT: Oh yeah, like you could do SO much better. Imbecile.
[Now Colleen, working some kinks out of her jaw, rejoins the fray - and is taken down by a quick Arm Drag from Jessica! Colleen rolls smoothly up as Jessica advances - and now Colleen takes Jessica down with a mirrored Arm Drag! Both girls return to their vertical base - Jessica with a quick kick to Colleen's shin, followed by a Hammerlock - which Colleen smartly twists out of, and applies a Headlock, following through with a takedown to bring Jessica to the mat - but Jessica kicks her legs up and gets Colleen's neck in a Scissors hold - and Colleen fights it, rolling over and performing a handstand, then laying across Jessica for a bridging pin!]
[1]
[Kickout!]
[Jessica finds some leverage and presses herself up off the mat, reaching around to unhook Colleen's hands - then twists around and kneels down, bringing the anachronistic grappler down into a Backslide Pin - except Colleen shakes her hands free, then gets a grip under Jessica's chin - and sits down into a Neckbreaker! Jessica goes limp, and Colleen hooks the leg...]
[1]
[2 - no, kickout!]
JLT: Amazing technical exchange there!
Leah: More like an amazingly giant sack of boredom.
JLT: If I said it was 'hawt' instead, would that make a difference?
Leah: I'd hate you slightly more.
[Colleen rolls off Jessica before guiding the MMA starlet to her feet and giving her an Irish Whip - countered! Colleen bounces off the ropes - and gets tripped up by Totally Radd, reaching in from outside the ring to snatch at Roades' feet, before pulling her straight out by the back of her singlet! As Radd begins to wail on Colleen's head, Jessica nods with satisfaction, and looks around for Icenique - who promptly grabs Jessica by her hair and the waistband of her shorts - AND THROWS HER OVER THE TOP ROPE ONTO RADD AND COLLEEN!]
[Icenique takes a step back to admire her handiwork, looks to the crowd, shrugs with a 'What else could I do?' look - ]
[ - AND TOSSES HERSELF FORWARDS INTO A SUICIDE DIVE, WIPING OUT ON TOP OF ALL THREE DIVAS OUTSIDE THE RING!]
JLT: Mother of - ! Icenique almost knocking herself out there!
Leah: THAT'S my B.F.F! Heh...that was a good thing, right?
JLT: It was an extraordinarily dangerous maneuver that could have broken her own neck as easily as it could've to anyone else's.
Leah: So...good?
JLT: Ugh. Anyway...as there's no ring-out count in a four-woman match, there's little to do but wait to see who'll - oh, Icenique and Colleen are getting up...
[Indeed, both the Wild Card and the Greaser are using the apron to help pull themselves up to their feet, whilst Jessica and Radd take a little more time to lay down. Seeing Icey looking shaky beside her, Colleen directs a nasty knife-edge Chop that staggers Icey - before she retaliates with a hook to the jaw that connects with a nasty 'Whack!' and forces Roades to turn her back on the Wild Card, who quickly hooks up for a Bulldog - but Roades slips out of the headlock - and drives both Icey and herself down to the floor with a Russian Leg Sweep!]
JLT: Ouch! Even simple moves like the Russian Leg Sweep can be seriously dangerous when performed on a surface that's so much harder than the ring mat!
Leah: Bet Colleen never uses that move when Roxie's around.
JLT: Why?
Leah: It's Russian.
JLT: Ah...very droll. And what's Radd up to?
[Whilst Roades and Icenique clutch their heads and moan, our new Executive Director pulls herself up to stand on the apron - but doesn't enter the ring, instead looking back down to the floor - springing up onto the second rope and - COMING DOWN TO BRING A KNEE EACH TO THE HEADS OF COLLEEN AND ICENIQUE!]
JLT: Double Plastic Surgery! Damned innovative strike there from Totally Radd!
Leah: You were about to say 'Now that really was...TOTALLY RADD!' there, weren't you?
JLT: I was, but it didn't seem to be worth the punching I'd no doubt receive for it.
[Reaching down, Radd pulls up Colleen - purely because she's closer than Icenique - and rolls her into the ring, before sliding in after her and quickly making a pin...]
[1]
[2]
[And Jessica slides in to break it up!]
[Radd shrieks with rage and rage and grabs wildly at Jessica's hair after standing up again - but the Muay Thai wunderkind kicks Radd's legs out from under her and traps the former model in a mirror of her own 'Raddifyer' - a Scissored Armbar! Radd now shrieks with pain, but quickly rolls over onto her front and scoots around on her feet - quickly reaching out to the ropes and snagging the bottom one with her toes. Jessica quickly releases the hold at the ref's insistence, before aiming a sharp Toe Kick to the back or Radd's head that leaves her reeling. Sensing an opportunity, Jessica heads for the turnbuckle...]
JLT: Aerial moves aren't Jessica's fort�, so she must have something big in mind...
Leah: How big? J-Lo's butt big or Beyonc�'s hair big?
JLT: Uh...whichever one's bigger?
[Perching upon the top rope, Jessica waits as Radd pulls herself back up, using the ropes for support, and turns around - just as Jessica takes flight, soaring towards Radd's head with a Shin Saikyu Knee Kick!]
[BUT RADD DODGES IT! Well, maybe that's being generous; she sort of staggers drunkenly to the side. But it's enough, and Jessica is forced into an emergency landing, rolling across her shoulder with a grunt of exertion. She gets to her feet to find a dizzied Radd with her back turned - and quickly downs our Executive Director with a Rear Naked Lungblower! Jessica rolls Radd over onto her back and hooks the leg!]
[1]
[2]
[3 - NO! Colleen breaks it up!]
JLT: Close call there! Jessica Marsh almost scoring a great upset!
[Jessica curses as she rolls off Radd and pushes herself back up - then throws a quick Roundhouse Kick at Colleen's head! But the chronally-challenged diva catches the leg before it makes contact, and twists it sharply as she throws herself down, performing a Dragon Screw - which she tries to transition into a Leglock, while Jessica struggles to get herself free! Jessica kicks with her free leg towards Colleen's arms - while on the other side of the ring, Radd slowly gets to her feet again, failing to see Icenique now perched on the apron. Once Radd is upright again, Icenique hops up onto the top rope, and springboards forwards - only for Radd to catch her - and SLAM HER DOWN WITH THE 'DEAD BEFORE LOHAN'!]
JLT: HOLY HELL! I never saw it coming!
Leah: NO! C'mon, ref, that's a DQ! No finishers on sistahs!
[Radd laughs out loud, and goes for the pin - but then notices Jessica trapped in the 'Turn Back Time' hold, and rolls her eyes melodramatically before dashing across the ring to break the hold with an Elbow Drop to Colleen's torso - WHICH MISSES! Colleen released the hold and rolled quickly out of the way, letting Radd smack her elbow straight off the canvas! Radd clutches her elbow and hisses in pain as she returns to a standing position - before Colleen grabs her by the head and hip and slings her shoulder-first into the corner post! Colleen whoops to the crowd in joy as the tide seems to be turning her way - before she finds her arm being twisted up behind her back, and one of Jessica's forearms wrapping around her throat!]
JLT: Crossface Chicken-wing!
Leah: Stop, you're making me hungry.
JLT: It's a deadly submission hold! You don't get those at KFC!
Leah: Actually, I once got locked in a Dragon Sleeper by one of the guys at the counter in a KFC.
JLT: ...Well, that's you, isn't it? Most of our divas aren't as stupid as you. Anyway - will Colleen be able to get out of this?
[Colleen reaches out to the ropes with her free arm - and manages to inch closer and closer to the side of the ring, taking small steps - until Jessica sweeps her legs out, bringing Roades down to the mat face-first, with the hold still in place! That seems to destroy much of Colleen's spirit, as her struggles lose their vigor. Her hand raises, shaking, and - ]
[ - and Radd reappears, clutching Jessica in a headlock with one arm and pulls her up and off Colleen with her other hand, gripping the waistband of Jessica's shorts. She then lifts Jessica's legs onto the second rope and takes a step back - then DRIVES Jessica's head down with a horrific Elevated DDT!]
JLT: Ouch! Jessica just got Spears'd!
Leah: Well, that's not so bad - sure, she might wind up a single mother with a bad media image and rumored drug problems, but she'll make a comeback and everybody'll love her again.
JLT: You never cease to confound me, you - we've got incoming!
Leah: Are the Saudis trying to bomb us again?
JLT: 'Again'? And I meant interference - look at the ramp!
Leah: Oh great...her.
[As Totally Radd rests in one corner of the ring, and her opponents lay on the mat in varying degrees of 'ouch', none other than Felicity - one of Tara Lee's two new Enforcers - hurries down the ramp with a steel folding chair in hand. The ref is already shaking his head and waving his arms around before she even reaches the apron, but she ignores him and steps up onto it anyway, before giving him a serious ear-mauling for being so unhelpful.]
JLT: I guess it's too much to hope for a clean, fair match with Tara Lee making the decisions...
Leah: Nope, her first priority is the continuing promotion of herself and her newfound Sapphic buddies.
[Radd blinks in confusion at Felicity's sudden appearance, and reluctantly pulls herself out of the corner to stalk over, grabbing the ref by the back of his shirt and throwing him to the mat as she goes. The authority figure knocks his head on the ground and blacks out for a minute.]
Leah: Moron.
[Radd throws her arms up and demands to know what the hell Felicity's playing at. In response, Felicity - ]
CRACK!
[ - SMACKS RADD UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH HER CHAIR!]
Leah: LOL!
JLT: But - they're on the same side! Right? |
