Sunday September 20th 2009
[We cut into the arena and the fans are on their feet, cheering, thrusting their signs into the air. The theme to Exile blasts over the arena, as the camera pans away from the stage, over the ring, over the commentators and into the cheering crowd. The camera then pans around the arena to see the signs held by the fans, with the signs in an arrange of colours and messages. The director of the show picks out his favourite: "It smells here!", "Christine! I'm pregnant!" and "When's Indigo coming back?" are just a select few. The audience cheers as we pan around the audience once more before we cut to JLT and Leah at ringside. They smile at the camera.]
JLT: Hello everybody and welcome to yet another edition of Sunday Night Exile, we're coming at you live on Sunday nights from now on and we're going to make the weekend just that little bit more exciting!
Leah: I am so tired. I've been up all night mourning.
JLT: ...we have a great show for you tonight, we've got four of DU's biggest stars taking each other on to determine who will be proceeding into the Unleashed tournament finals! Divacide is right around the corner and we've only got one Exile left until we hit Candlestick Park!
Leah: Where is my framed picture? I want a framed picture of Keisha Buchanan to sit on this desk permanently now. She is my homegirl.
JLT: Focus, Leah. We've also got President Tara Lee in attendance tonight and I've heard that she's starting to make some changes which haven't gone down well with the divas but I hear it's just the beginning. Do you know anything about that, Leah?
Leah: You wanna talk to me about change? I've had enough CHANGE. I was loving things the way they were, they were awesome the way they were and now it's all wrecked. Everything is over. Everything.
JLT: Well, don't worry. Just focus on what an amazing show we have tonight!
Leah: I can't! I just can't! There's nobody to provide dolphin-adlibs and dance awkwardly now is there? It's just all wrong, I'm so upset. I'm practically disgusted. You know what? It's so sick it's practically vomiting. Plus tonight sucks, there's only one black woman on the show in Didgitz and her giant ass. Where are my girls? Where's Crystal Hilton?
JLT: Oh...umm...I think Crystal Hilton was fired by Tara.
Leah: WHEN WILL THIS SUMMER OF DEATH END?!
Singles Match
JLT: It's Christine McQuisten who has the honour of opening tonight's show as she takes on the ever-masked Henshin Belleza in singles action!
Leah: You know I bet Henshin is so fugly. Why does that girl feel the need to cover up her face? I mean, she must be the lovechild of Janet Reno and Tori Spelling or something.
JLT: I think it adds a lot to her character, let's face it, she's not getting where she is because of her looks like a lot of the divas do.
Leah: Hello, KibbyD. Plus don't try and bullshit me that Kibby isn't here tonight because she's off doing her promotional activities for her singing career, that bitch is getting work done.
JLT: I respect Henshin more for not conforming to the norm, that's all I'm saying.
[Christine seems a little intimidated by Henshin's appearance as Henshin walks towards her, the two divas go for a tie-up but Christine refuses it and instead begins to nail Henshin in the face with right and left hands. Christine then bounces to the ropes and tries to nail a move but Henshin grabs a momentum-filled Christine by the throat and hoists her up into the air and plants her in the canvas with a baldo bomb.]
JLT: Henshin has a lot of power.
Leah: Do you think she's really a dude? Oh wait, that was Luna. Now I don't trust anyone, especially after what I heard about Lady Gaga. Who knows what Christine is packing down there. Who knows what Tara Lee is packing, you get what I'm saying?
JLT: Leah, as if the owner of Divas Unleashed would be female for years and then suddenly reveal herself to actually be male. It's the stuff of fairytales, it would never happen.
[Henshin brings Katie to her feet and pulls her into a brainbuster move, hoisting her up into the air but Christine manages to counter in mid-air, sliding down Henshin's back and landing a roll-up, dragging Henshin off her feet and into a pin roll-up. The referee counts.]
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John Roe: Here is your winner...CHRISTINE MCQUISTEN!!!
JLT: Well that was quick!
Leah: A little too quick don't you think? But I'm sure that what Christine said to Shane after she got a job here.
[Christine stands up with a smile, as Henshin looks confused on the canvas behind her veiled appearance. Christine celebrates with the fans and shrugs.]
[The camera cuts outside to the back entrance of the arena and focuses upon a sign which has the words "Drinking Table" scratched out and replaced with "Smoking Area" and an arrow. The camera then pans sideways to see Maya Okosaki, Holly Wentz and an array of other divas standing by a sign which says "smoking area" and a table which has dozens of cans of red bulls lying on it.]
[Maya Okosaki is standing puffing on a cigarette and then begins to choke and starts coughing, the other divas nearby roll their eyes. Courtney Monroe stands with a lighter in her hand (pink of course) trying to light her cigarette but failing miserably, not knowing how to operate it. Felicity sighs.]
Maya Okosaki: This is ridiculous. Where is our drinks table? How could Tara replace it with a smoking section?
Felicity: Because cool people smoke, okay? Look, Maya, 'The Face', whatever you're called. We're all on the supermodel diet now, okay? So just have your smokes and drink your Red Bull and shut up about it.
[Maya looks offended. Lisa Richardson tosses a cigarette at the floor.]
Lisa: This is bullshit!
Courtney Monroe: Lisa! That is not Blonde Ambition language!
Maya Okosaki: What good is it to the health of the div-
Felicity: Seriously Maya, shut up. Or I will have Tara fire you...again.
[Felicity rolls her eyes and picks up a can of Red Bull and begins to sip from it. Maya turns to Holly Wentz who is standing nearby, her arms folded and her eyes squinted in a resentful stare into space.]
Maya Okosaki: Have you heard from Tequila, Holly? Where is she?
Holly Wentz: I spoke to her earlier. Her housekeeper said she's on suicide watch, some sort of Sugababes-related incident.
[Felicity rolls her eyes as the camera cuts back to ringside.]
JLT: What? There's no drinks table anymore? That thing was legendary, the amount of fights that were started there.
Leah: Bitches need to lose weight, Jamie, get with it.
Singles Match
JLT: Rockford State Champion Katie Kooper will take on half of the Tag Champions next as she faces Colleen Roades in singles action!
Leah: Colleen sucks. I hate Rebel & Roades, they're so...old school, and not in a 'Lauryn Hill is old school' way. I mean in a bad way. Katie is not better though, running around with that colour hair and her brother who is in love with me.
JLT: Travis is in love with you now?
Leah: He's madly in love with me but it's not mutual, I mean, have you seen him when he opens his mouth? It's the Megan Fox syndrome. He's cute but a complete retard otherwise.
JLT: Well, this will be a good match either way. It's always good when champions face each other. Although you could argue that when it's two champions, they tend to relax because they're not fighting anyone who could be a potential threat to their belt.
Leah: So it will be a suckfest. Awesome.
[Colleen and Katie make their way to the ring and the match begins, as Travis Kooper watches on from ringside while Roxie Rebel has the pleasure of holding both the tag titles over each shoulder. Katie and Colleen tie-up with Colleen pulling Katie into a sideheadlock, Katie manages to duck out of the hold after struggling for a few moments and then hits Colleen in the back of the head with an elbow, dazing her, as Katie executes a handstand and to lock her legs around Colleen's neck to execute a headscissors takedown.]
Leah: Bam! I love that move.
[Katie then stands up and begins to nail kicks to the back of Colleen's head, willing her to get up. Katie then leans down and grabs Colleen in a waistlock and hosts her backwards for a German suplex, Katie holds her grip and repeats the move two more times, completing three German suplexes in a row and holds the last suplex for a position.]
JLT: Three German suplexes from Katie!
Leah: And here's the referee for a pin. Please let it be over.
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[Colleen gets her shoulder up.]
[Katie then quickly finds her feet and grabs Colleen's ankle, trying to roll her over and apply an ankle lock but Colleen boots Katie in the face to send her backwards. Colleen finds her feet as Katie Kooper runs towards her but Colleen is the first to move and yanks Katie up into a bearhug submission.]
Leah: Colleen is such a ho, she's just rubbing herself on Katie and calling it a submission. Get a room! I know you're a repressed freak but come on love!
JLT: Colleen's got a tight grip there, she'll be squeezing the air and depleting the energy from Katie. It's a smart move.
[Katie refuses to give up to the submission but begins to slump due to the lack of oxygen, just as Katie looks like she's about to pass out, Colleen places her back on her feet and quickly executes an arm drag to slam Katie onto her back on the mat. Colleen then begins to drop rapid elbow drops onto Katie, and rolls her over onto her back. Colleen then looks to be applying a Mexican surfboard but Katie manages to scramble for the ropes, aided by her brother wielding her with open arms encouragement. Katie then rolls over and grabs Colleen's top, yanking her body down so Colleen's neck strikes the second rope.]
JLT: That must of been painful.
Leah: Yeah, I hope her Adam's apple is okay.
[Colleen stumbles backwards, holding her throat from the sharp impact and coughs. Katie quickly nips to her feet and grabs Colleen's head from behind into a bulldog position, running to the ropes and bouncing back with a "KatScratchFever" stratusfaction finisher. Katie quickly covers.]
JLT: Katie nailed it!
Leah: That finisher name is so TLC. CrazySexyCool. KatScratchFever. Blah, it's not the same. TLC will always be better than Kat-
JLT: Shut up! We have a count!
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John Roe: Here is your winner...KATIE KOOPER!!!
[Katie stands up with a smile on her face as she slides out of the ring and embraces her brother with a hug, and then begins to mingle with the fans. She offers Roxie Rebel a polite smile and makes her way backstage.]
Leah: I realised that I should support Katie. She's the only way to defeat the revolution, you know.
JLT: What are you on about now?
Leah: Mercedes. The number one contender. The revolution she's plotting. Next thing you'll know she'll have roped in some Che-like figure and she'll be playing Fidel. Down with her. I'm not going to let it happen, Jamie! I won't!
JLT: Have you ever felt the need to see a counsellor Leah? I think they would be of great benefit to you.
[We cut to backstage, where we find Mercedes Vargas sat alone in a remarkably spartan dressing room, presumably one that has yet to be 'funzie-fied' by whichever Monroe sister isn't fired this week. Mercedes seems to appreciate the lack of distractions; her gaze is focused and intense, yet she looks at nothing in particular as she wraps tape around her wrists, idly waiting until her scheduled match is called...in fact, Mercedes is so caught up in her own little dream-world she doesn't hear the room's door open, or the footsteps that clickety-click across the bare ceramic floor. It's only when a pair of silvery-grey boots enter her peripheral vision and a gloved hand places itself upon her shoulder that Mercedes looks up...]
[...and scowls into the smirking face of Veronica Valiant, already in her ring attire, with the Askai title slung over one shoulder.]
Veronica: Nice to see you too, Merc.
Mercedes: Get your hand off me.
Veronica: What, you need some time alone? Still brooding over yet another failure? Can't change the record books by being miserable, y'know -
[Suddenly, Mercedes leaps to her feet, grabbing the hand Veronica failed to remove and twisting it around behind the deeply annoying Askai champion's back, before planting one boot firmly into Veronica's butt and pushing her away, forcing the ambitious blonde to stumble over her own feet and fall face-first to the floor! Mercedes steps forward and raises one boot, aiming it towards the back of Veronica's head - but Veronica lashes out with her own feet, knocking Mercedes' supporting leg out from under her! Both women roll over and up onto one knee before - ]
Veronica: STOP!
[Mercedes obliges, keeping her hands up in a defensive stance but leaving it at that, as Veronica continues...]
Veronica: Je-sus, woman, I only wanted to talk with you...
Mercedes: You walked in unannounced and started insulting me. You ever try starting a conversation politely?
Veronica: Well...in all honesty, no, but I'll keep it in mind. Can I speak now?
Mercedes: [smirking ruefully] Can I stop you?
Veronica: No.
[After another brief moment of glaring daggers, both women stand back up, relaxing a little but maintaining a comfortable distance from each other. Veronica makes sure her title belt is back in position before continuing.]
Veronica: Now, I was gonna start off with some tedious spiel about all the people I've beaten over my still-quite-brief time in this company, then compare it to your own less-impressive record in intricate detail, but frankly, I don't have the time, nor do I have your perplexing interest in digging up old info, so here's the point...
[Dramatic pause. Mercedes rolls her eyes.]
Veronica: ...I don't like you, Merc.
Mercedes: That, I already know.
Veronica: I'm sure you do. But. Out of all the vacuous, mindless, vain, shallow little hookers that this company tries to pass off as 'talent', you...are the best.
[This clearly takes Mercedes by surprise.]
Mercedes: Was that supposed to be...a compliment?
Veronica: Of course it was! Anyway, what I'm saying is, if you're the only one with talent here - excluding myself, of course - then the other girls here must be truly awful. Girls like, let's say...Rebel and Roades.
Mercedes: I wouldn't go that far - they are the tag team champions.
Veronica: Currently.
[Veronica raises her eyebrows in a very pointed way. Mercedes blinks, then shakes her head.]
Mercedes: No way.
Veronica: Give me one good reason why not.
Mercedes: [snorts derisively] One reason? How about the fact that I hate you every bit as much as you hate me, if not more? You're arrogant without reason, the laziest worker here by far, and your head's so far up in the clouds that your hair gets caught on orbiting satellites. Now, maybe if you put your little boyfriend in a dress and had him pretend to be a girl - he'd make a good partner, but you? Hell no!
Veronica: He's not my boyfriend...
Mercedes: Could've fooled me!
[Veronica sighs, then raises her hands, palms outward and takes a cautious step towards Mercedes, who remains where she is, the distance between them now halved.]
Veronica: I understand where you're coming from - except the part about my hair, which is perfect -
Mercedes: [mutters] Peroxide...
Veronica: Shush! Just, let me draw you a little picture here. We're both on course for big things at 'Divacide'. You have the opportunity to take the Rockford State title away from Ginger Spice, or whatever her name is - good work on hurting her in advance with the pipe, by the way -
Mercedes: Thanks.
Veronica: - and me, assuming some horrible quirk of fate makes me lose to Jenny-from-the-Block tonight, only have to get past Little Miss 'Roid-rage or, even easier, a Frog to finally claim what should've been mine from day one...the Unleashed Championship. But why stop there? What if we follow up those twinned acts of brilliance by seizing the Tag Team titles for good measure? Then, in case you've momentarily forgotten how to count, you'll have two belts decorating your waist, Merc...
[Veronica pauses, expecting a response, but Mercedes remains silent, her eyes flashing with hunger...]
Veronica: I'm not asking you to like me - god knows, that might never happen. But if we can work together, it'll benefit both of us. Plus, it's a good little safety net if one or both of us somehow fail to secure those titles we're currently going for...though I hardly expect that'll happen. So...?
[Mercedes blinks, then steps right up to Veronica, their faces now barely three inches apart.]
Mercedes: I need you to understand this: one day, I don't know when, but one day, everything you've managed to claw and grab and steal from others before claiming as your own will slip right out from between your fingers, and you will fall, harder than you ever have before. And when you look up, you'll see it was me who knocked you down.
[Mercedes lets these words hang in the air for a few tense moments, before...]
Mercedes: So keep that in mind, while I say...
[And Mercedes grabs one of Veronica's hands with her own...then shakes it roughly.]
Mercedes: You got yourself a partner. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got butts to kick.
[With that, Mercedes wrenches her hand free of Veronica's, and walks past the Askai champion without another glance, heading straight out the door. Veronica purses her lips, then nods briskly.]
Veronica: That went well.
Tag Team Match
JLT: And we're back with the debut of Blonde Ambition 2.0!
[Didgitz and Jessica Marsh stand in the ring, having made their entrance whilst Mercedes and Veronica were busy talking. Didgitz seems to shoot Jessica a filthy look but Jessica ignores her. Didgitz adjusts her ring attire, seemingly focused and ready for the match.]
Leah: Would you look at that ass? You could bounce dimes of that thing.
[The arena all of a sudden drops into darkness as the crowd pops for such an event. The sounds of the Blonde Ambition cover of "Barbie Girl" begin to play and from the stage emerging behind the video wall and seemingly flying like angels emerge Lisa Richardson and Courtney Monroe. They're kitted out in almost upgraded super-hero attire, dressed in bright pink with diamond crystals embedded all over them and Courtney has bagged herself a matching pink cape.]
[They hover their way to the ring, flying over the crowd on wires and waving furiously as the crowd cheers for one of the most beloved DU institutions. Lisa then swings herself towards the ring, landing as a referee walks over to unhook her. Lisa turns and waves to the audience but Courtney seems to have got lost with her wires.]
JLT: Where is she going?
Leah: To hell, hopefully.
[Didgitz and Jessica Marsh then make an agreement to try and circle and enclose Lisa Richardson as she stands alone in the ring but Lisa just freezes, still semi-waving. Courtney Monroe then manages to move her wires but doesn't know how to operate her own special effects and approaches the ring at rapid speed almost like a tornado heading for a small village. Courtney then finally gets close to the ring and thunders into it, hitting both Didgitz and Marsh from behind as she makes a rough landing, taking her opponents down with her and using Didgitz's body to soften her landing.]
Leah: What an idiot!
JLT: She landed on top of Didgitz and Marsh! That looked painful! It was such an impact, it was almost a smack.
Leah: It was almost smackdown, huh? Nah, that's a different company.
[Courtney then stands up and poses, waving furiously but Didgitz and Jessica Marsh don't move on the canvas, instead lying face-down like victims of a car crash. As Courtney laps up the attention from the fans, getting too overexcited for her own good, Lisa Richardson stops and oppurtunity and immediately runs over to Jessica Marsh and pins her.]
JLT: Lisa is going for a pin!
Leah: Thanks, Captain Obvious.
[The referee, seemingly blinded by the spectacle of the entrance, can't remember whether he has called for the bell and just goes straight for his instincts and counts the pin.]
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