Sunday October 11th 2009
Candlestick Park Stadium, San Francisco, California

[As Lady Gaga's performance finishes, floodlights illuminate the crowd and the wrestling ring in the middle of it as the twilight San Francisco sky covers the open-air arena. The sun and the moon can be seen as they shine down upon the historic event and the camera flies around the audience to catch some of the fans as the instrumental of "Paparazzi" plays over it and many fans leap up and down. The director then cuts to an aerial shot of the stadium which looks scenic as it's lit up amongst the Californian skyline.] [The camera pans to some of the signs in the audience, as many people have brought flags and various other objects seeing as the event is outside. A lone person swings the Union Jack whilst another fan has the Japanese flag with the words "Makaze" scrawled over it and there are a sea of rainbow flags, naturally. The camera then fades to Leah and JLT who sit at ringside, as JLT is dressed in a smart trouser suit and stands up applauding Gaga's performance, and glances at Leah next to her, taking a double take once she realises Leah has a cigarette and lights it with a lighter.] JLT: Leah, you're smoking! Leah: It was that good. JLT: Well...there you go! What an absolutely incredible opening from Lady Gaga there. She has to be the most anticipated opener of a pay-per-view in recent memory, probably ever, I don't remember someone being hyped up as much as she has been and what a great way to introduce all you viewers at home to Divacide! Leah: I mean, she is just fucking amazing, isn't she? I mean, you can't even put it into words... JLT: It was very good! We get it and I'm hoping we can keep up that standard tonight as we come to you live from Candlestick Park in San Francisco for the first-ever open-air stadium event in DU's history! What an incredible night this is shaping up to be and we will be with you all the way. I'm JLT and I'm joined by my partner in crime Leah and we've got what promises to be one of the greatest events in DU's entire history coming your way! You won't wanna miss a second! Leah: I mean...the mask...the posing...the guitar playing...the INTRODUCTION. OMG, the introduction. Wasn't that just enough to inspire you to work through this entire event? I mean, I was thinking about leaving and going home to watch Gossip Girl but after seeing that... JLT: Leah, focus. We're live. Leah: I know we are...but...she has to got be the next Madonna right? I mean she fucking pisses all over Rihanna. JLT: Leah, you have got to stop swearing. You're going to get us fired! It's not cool and it's not sexy, so stop it. Leah: Plus have you heard "Bad Romance"? Like you think she wouldn't be able to top Poker Face, Paparazzi or Just Dance but Bad Romance makes those songs look like dire trash in comparison. It's like...how can she continue to be so fucking amazing all the time? JLT: Leah, stop fucking swearing! It's vulgar! Leah: ...I feel like she's made the sweetest love to me and now I'm just in the afterglow of sex thinking..."wow". JLT: Anyway, I can only apologise to all you fans watching and hearing this. Like I was trying to say, this is the first stadium that has hosted a pay-per-view and we're battling the elements tonight, there's been some crazy weather in San Francisco lately and I'm not liking the feeling of being totally exposed. Leah: It's freezing. Who's idea was this? Black women can't freeze...it...you know, ages the skin! JLT: Anyway...speaking of being outside, did you know that 20 years ago this weekend there was the Loma Prieta earthquake? That happened during a live sports broadcast too. Hopefully that's not some sort of omen for Divacide. Leah: Great. That's just what I need! Hopefully that won't happen tonight...Crystal Hilton's probably not helping, stomping around. JLT: Well, back to DU business. We have a jam-packed show for you tonight, it's bursting with awesome fights that are coming your way including what I'm anticipating to be future classics. Perhaps the most hotly awaited match of the evening is the main event, we have Veronica Valiant and Laura Seton fighting it out to determine who will take home the vacant Unleashed Championship in the finals of the Unleashed tournament! Leah: Then we have that damn communist threatening to take over, Mercedes is challenging Katie Kooper for the Rockford State Championship. Whoever allowed Mercedes to win the #1 contendership should be shot. Oh, that's what they do isn't it? They shoot people. Oh, and Mr. Steven Soderbergh or whatever the hell your name is. If you're going to make a four-hour long movie about Che Guevara's life then how about you make it accurate? Oh, it was nice about you to leave out the part where he MURDERED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE! Wasn't it, huh? Oh what, Che is a hero? Oh what, want to wear Che on a t-shirt? You disgust me! [The camera cuts to Leah who leans back in her chair, her face flushed from anger.] JLT: You need to see someone about your issues. Leah: ...I know. JLT: I've completely lost my train of thought now. Well, we have the Tag Team Championships on the line tonight too, I won't dare mention the Rockford match, I think it may send Leah over the edge. Blonde Ambition's newest line-up take on Rebel & Roades in what should be an exciting match. Leah: Plus there's that mystery match. If it turns out to be a hardcore match I can going to be so disappointed. JLT: We don't know what it's going to be, that's the mystery, but I hear rumblings that something huge is in the works and we're all going to be shocked and surprised at what happens with that. It's definitely one to watch, and another one to watch is what is scheduled to be our opening bout, Crystal Deymonaz tries to get her contract back! Leah: I hope she fails. Anyway, I hear there's some developments outside. I swear, if a bad gay is stealing my car I am calling the cops. [The camera cuts backstage to see Courtney Monroe and Lisa Richardson standing in matching pink t-shirts which have Carley Monroe's face emblazed upon them and the words "Rehire My Sissy!" written underneath. Lisa brings a pink megaphone to her lips, as it becomes apparent the Blonde Ambition members are standing in the parking lot, with the DU smoking section visible in the distance.] Lisa: Right guys, this is a formal demonstration! Let's show Tara and DU what we want! [We pan sideways to see the dozens of members of the Blonde Ambition fan club standing in matching t-shirts armed with protest signs written in lipstick, featuring slogans like "We Want Carley!" and "TARA U BITCH MEANIE!" and the fan club members begin to march around in circles, trying to block the entrances to the arena but being repelled by the divas smoking and popping tic-tacs.] Lisa: What do we want? Fan Club: CARLEY! Lisa: When we do want her? Fan Club: NOW! [The fan club continues their formal protest as Courtney has a gleeful expression on her face. A limosuine pulls up as Holly Wentz steps out of the car and opens the door, looking upset. We can hear the murmur of conversation as Barracuda Jones and a glam-looking Tara Lee step out of the car, obviously arriving.] Barracuda: ...well it's Holly's fault. She said it was the wrong freeway, she's in charge of the limo. It's not my fault they hired some dirty Mexican who can't drive... Tara: I've missed the beginning of the show now! I was supposed to be here hours ago... [Tara begins to walk into the arena as Holly and Barracuda clear the way for her, Tara looks at the signs and the protestors who chant slogans at her. A frown develops on her face as the cameras follow her into the arena.] Tara: Who the fuck is Carley? Contract Match Crystal Deymonaz vs. Felicity JLT: Well, what a night Divacide is shaping up to be already and we haven’t even got started, I’m still buzzing with excitement! Plus tonight is going to get even better as next we have one of Tara’s best buds Felicity taking on Crystal Deymonaz as Crystal tries to gain her contract with Divas Unleashed back! Leah: Yep, Tara fired her back at Terror In Tokyo after she won the Unleashed Championship. Now that is some A-list shit right there! That was a slap in the face if I ever saw one, and let me tell you, I’ve seen Tara deliver a lot of slaps over the years! JLT: Well, Felicity zoned in on Tara like a oppurtunist moth to the proverbial flame and it seems to be working for her, she seems to be enjoying her new found position snuggled up in Tara’s bosom. Leah: …eww? JLT: Let’s face it Leah, Felicity and Radd are just using Tara to get what they want and in return they provide Tara with a sense of security. It’s all a little too convienent for them don’t you think? I think about the women who have struggled here in DU and still aren't given the kudos they deserve yet these two women get it handed to them, it makes me feel appalled. Leah: Why are you acting like it’s anything new? Felicity and Radd are just smart. They know how to get ahead and how to play the game, and that's probably because Felicity used to be on the game herself. Look Jamie, don’t hate them because you ain’t them! JLT: I’m not hating and I disagree with you. It’s sickening to me. They’re vile creatures who would shoot their own mothers if it meant they could further their fame and success. Leah: Yes but enough about Heidi, Amelle and Jade. ["Diary Of Jane" by Breaking Benjamin plays over the sound system, and the lights fade to nothing but a spotlight in the entrance. Felicity appears wearing a long coat and dark glases over her eyes and she walks to the ring occasionally posing for a photo opportunity, to boos from the stadium. Felicity then flips the crowd the middle finger, causing even more booing.] John Roe: The following contest is a contract match scheduled for one fall, with the loser of the match losing their contract with Divas Unleashed. Introducing first, hailing from Canada, at weight of 158lbs...FELICITY!!! ["Brackish" by Kittie hits the PA system as light blue strobes dance around all over the crowd, as the floodlights dip allowing darkness in the arena. Crystal walks out with her two main gays, Anthony and Anthony's Friend at her side. Crystal holds up a 'rock-on' hand expression to the crowd and runs down the aisle, slapping the fans who hold their hand out for her.] John Roe: And her opponent, hailing from Spokane, Washington, weighing in at 145lbs and being accompanied to the ring by Anthony and his friend, The Femme Fatale...CRYSTAL DEYMONAZ!!! [Once she reaches the ring apron, she pulls herself up and then leans her back against the ropes. She then falls backwards into the ring and lands on her feet. She pulls her head up slowly at first, with her hair down in front of her face. She then in one quickly motion flings her head back, with her hair a blur as she places her arms in the air. She then walks over to the turnbuckle and poses for the crowd for a few seconds.] [The referee calls for the bell and whilst Crystal is busy with her gays outside of the ring and looking around at her spiritual hometown crowd, Felicity charges towards her from behind and nails her with a hard shot to the back of the head, knocking Crystal down into the mat. Felicity immediately begins to stomp on Crystal, laying shots into the small of her back and leans down to grab her by the head, yanking her backwards and pulling her into a dragon sleeper.] JLT: Here comes Felicity, she’s not wasting any time! Leah: She probably realises her ovaries are drying up… JLT: …what?! [Felicity then drives Crystal into the mat with a reverse DDT and immediately covers, hooking the leg.] JLT: Nice move from Felicity there! [1] [2] [Crystal gets her shoulder up.] JLT: You know, Crystal got some bad news last week and she’s apparently sober, I can’t say if she is or not but that would surely affect her tonight. Do you think she’s ever wrestled sober before? Leah: I hate Divas Unleashed. What’s happening? Everything is changing. We’re letting in communists like Mercedes Vargas, Tara is in power, Felicity may be unemployed if she loses this match, we have a smoking section, Crystal is sober! I mean, what’s next? Colleen Roades to actually being interesting? JLT: That’s not nice. Colleen is very interesting! Leah: Oh please, Colleen makes Maya Okosaki look like Courtney Love. [Felicity then brings Crystal up and nails her with fists to the face and whips her into the corner. Felicity quickly follows up and hooks Crystal up, tying her into the corner with a tree of woe move. Felicity then heads to the other side of the ring, she runs towards Crystal and leaps into the air with a dropkick, connecting with Crystal square in the face as the crowd boos.] JLT: The crowd are behind Crystal tonight. I don’t think the fans like this new regime and they’re voicing it tonight. Leah: Yeah, and not by the ratings figures obviously. Can anyone say dwindling numbers? JLT: Shhh! [Crystal falls from her tree of woe position, landing on the canvas, she holds her face as she rolls over and sits up on her knees but Felicity is waiting for her with a buzzsaw ‘Bitch Kick’ to the head which almost takes Crystal’s head off and flying into the crowd. Felicity smiles and quickly leans down to cover Crystal.] Leah: I bet Felicity does that move to dirty old men and gets paid for it! JLT: That was a hellacious kick! [1] [2] [Crystal gets her foot on the ropes.] JLT: Felicity has really come into her own in the last few years, she’s developed her own style of wrestling but for me, she’s just bordering on being too stiff, too aggressive and too violent. Leah: I blame the menopause. [Felicity sighs, annoyed at herself for making a mistake and not finishing the match as soon as possible, and yanks Crystal to her feet by her hair, threatening to rip some of it from its roots. Felicity whips Crystal to the ropes, Crystal bounces back as Felicity tries to scoop her up into a slam but Crystal counters with a headscissors takedown to send Felicity rolling across the ring, to a roar from the stadium.] JLT: Crystal’s fighting back! Leah: Do you think one of those annoying gay guys is her sponsor? Did you see that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie goes out with an alcoholic? That was funny… JLT: Leah, that’s enough irreverence from you, you’re starting to get irritating. Crystal’s mounting an offensive against Felicity, Felicity was starting to dominate but with so much at stake, I don’t think either woman can afford to panic and make any mistakes! Leah: As RuPaul says…lip-sync…for YA LIFE! [Crystal then seems pumped full of energy as Felicity finds her feet, Crystal charges towards her with a clothesline, knocking her down, as Felicity bounces back up and Crystal clotheslines her again. Crystal then grabs Felicity and whips her into the corner. Crystal then runs towards Felicity, leaping forward with a ‘Crystal Ice’ handspring elbow which connects to Felicity’s face.] Leah: She would’ve fucked up that if she was still a drunk, although that would’ve been hilarious. There’s nothing funnier than people falling over and YouTube proves this! [Felicity stumbles forwards as Crystal grabs Felicity in a headlock and runs to the ropes with a ‘Brackish’ springboard bulldog, planting her in the center of the ring as the crowd cheers and Crystal covers.] JLT: Great action from Crystal, here she is with her first pin of the match! [1] [2] [Felicity gets her shoulder up.] Leah: It’s easy to forget Felicity got knocked up by the boss. If she loses this match then her ass is out on the street. How old is that kid now? 16? JLT: I don’t know but considering Felicity has that connection to Shane Rockford, it would create an interesting situation should she lose tonight. Shane would have to make a moral decision on what happens to the mother of his child. Leah: Yeah, because he’s shown so much love already… [The condensation from the air is shown on Crystal’s breath, she swears at the referee as mist comes out from the event being outside at the same time a burst of thunder suddenly rumbles the entire arena, making it fall silent. Crystal looks upwards at the star-studded sky.] JLT: It is easy to forget we’re fighting outside, this is a new environment for all of the divas and it is pretty cold out here. I’m glad I brought a jacket. Leah: I know, I’m freezing my nipples off over here. That boy in the front row over there keeps staring at my chest. I can’t help it, it’s freezing, how am I meant to dim my headlights in this weather? [This distraction allows Felicity to nail an uppercut to Crystal, Felicity then leans down and sweeps Crystal’s feet from under her causing Crystal to land on her back as a Felicity holds onto her legs and rolls her over into an elevated Boston crab ‘Lioness Tamer’ submission. Crystal struggles for the ropes as Felicity locks in the submission, a smug smile playing on her lips, as Crystal crawls towards the ropes trying to free herself.] JLT: Felicity has it locked in! Leah: Do you think, because of her old age, she sometimes just gets stuck in these positions? [Crystal becomes within grasping distance of the ropes but Felicity notices this and yanks Crystal forward to the middle of the ring. Crystal then tries to decipher another way of the move and starts to push her upper body up using her arms but then realises this makes the pain worse, as Felicity continues to work on Crystal’s lower back.] [Crystal then uses one of her arms and reaches around to grab Felicity’s foot and uses her hand to yank Felicity’s foot towards her, as Felicity stumbles forward and loses her footing, trying to keep hold of the submission but failing. Crystal then rolls over onto her back and brings her legs into her chest and sends both of her feet flying upwards into Felicity’s chest.] [Felicity stumbles backwards as Crystal finds her feet, holding her lower back and her legs. Crystal runs towards Felicity and leaps into the air with a clothesline, backing Felicity against the ropes as both divas tumble to the outside of the ring.] JLT: There they go! Leah: Ugh, right in front of me. Just what I need, usually I can bait Crystal away with food and some vodka like a dog but now that she’s sober, what am I going to do? I don’t want her ass anywhere near me! JLT: They’re not near you, you fool! [Crystal’s gays watch on from ringside, moving out of the way as Felicity and Crystal both lie on the floor and battle each other to determine who will regain their footing first. Crystal is first to her feet and grabs Felicity’s head and rams it into the side of the apron. Crystal then whips Felicity into the barrier as fans stand up behind it, trying to get a view, as the flood lights illuminate them.] [Crystal then approaches Felicity but Felicity boots her in the chest. Felicity then rams Crystal’s head into the ring post, doing so several times, as a dazed Crystal falls to the mat on the outside. Felicity then turns to the crowd, holding her arms up but the stadium boos her and one fan throws a hot dog at her, which misses. Felicity looks pissed.] Leah: Hahaha, imagine if that had hit her in the face. That would’ve become a YouTube sensation in no time! [Felicity then approaches Anthony and his friend at ringside, as they try and back away from her, not wanting to get into a fight but Felicity grabs Anthony by the shirt and knees him in the stomach. His friend then begins to yell at Felicity but Felicity elbows him in the head and tosses him into the steps leading to the ring. The referee slides out of the ring to check on the two valets.] [Felicity then notices Anthony has dropped the vodka bottle, Felicity picks it up and takes a swig from it and then realises it’s not vodka and looks disappointed. She notices the referee is pre-occupied with the two gays and grabs the bottle, approaching Crystal and throws it towards her as the bottle flies through the air and hits Crystal square in the face, smashing the bottle into pieces as the fans begin to cheer and murmur in shocked response.] [Crystal falls to the floor outside the commentary booth, bleeding slightly from fresh cuts from the glass, as Felicity cracks a devious smile. As the bottle struck Crystal’s face, the water inside sprayed out with some of it landing over the commentary table, as Felicity notices Leah is on her feet.] Leah: Oi! Jackie Collins! Watch it! [Felicity approaches Leah’s table and slams her fists down on it which scares JLT but Leah looks offended and stands up.] Leah: Oh, you want some of this? Huh? Bring it bitch, I will fuck you up! I will fuck you up! [Felicity shoots a Leah look as she begins to shake her hands and her head like she will not take this kind of disrespect. She moves both hands up to her earlobe.] Leah: Hold my gold… JLT: What? Leah: Hold my gold, Jamie, hold my gold, I’ma shank this bitch… JLT: LEAH! [Felicity then swings at Leah’s face with a punch but Leah ducks and grabs Felicity by her head and rams it into the commentary table repeatedly, leaving Felicity dazed. Leah then bops Felicity in the face as Felicity stumbles backwards, falling over Crystal’s body and lands at the bottom of the ring. Leah sits back down, looking angry, she glances at Jamie.] JLT: Oh my goodness, Leah! What has gotten into you?! Leah: Can’t hit a bitch like that, Jamie, can you? No, course not… [Felicity then immediately gets up, fuming, and approaches Leah but Crystal has found her feet and leaps onto Felicity’s shoulders to pull her weight backwards and plants an x-factor amidst all of the broken glass on the floor.] JLT: Whoa, Crystal came out of no where with that! Right on the concre-I still can’t believe you just did that! Leah: What? JLT: You’re going to get fired now… Leah: Please. I am Divas Unleashed! It’s not my fault that if a bitch gives me attitude then I will put them in their place. I was just slapping a bitch, like Tara would. It’s so cold out here, that water felt like ice on my beautiful skin! JLT: …I am lost for words. [The referee begins to yell at the divas to get back into the ring, as Crystal scoops Felicity up and rolls her into the ring. She drags Felicity to the centre of the ring and runs towards the ropes, leaping onto the second rope and flipping back with a lionsault “City Of Crystal” finisher, connecting with the move. Crystal hooks the leg for a pin.] JLT: Whoa, I haven’t seen that move for a while! Crystal nailed her finisher! Leah: Ugh, please don’t let her win. I don’t want her back in DU, she’s so annoying… [1] [2] [3] John Roe: Here is your winner…and winning a brand new Divas Unleashed contract…CRYSTAL DEYMONAZ!!! JLT: Crystal has won her contract back and Felicity has lost hers! Leah: HA! This was a lose-lose match for me but seeing Felicity turned out on her fat ass is hilarious! [Crystal stands up with a smile on her face, she applauds herself and wipes some of the light blood from her face. Her two gays crawl into the ring, still injured from Felicity and rush over to give her a hug as an emotional Crystal smiles and then holds her arms out in the air as if to say “and now, release”. Crystal then heads to the corner and celebrates, posing for the fans and waving to the stadium, as the stagehands turn the lights to shine on the crowd.] JLT: Well done Crystal! I’m sure this has been a nice emotional full circle, from overcoming her alcoholism and now to being employed in DU again! I really do wonder what will happen with Felicity now, she’s been in DU for such a long time, can you imagine it without her? Leah: No, the bitch is in the Hall of Fame but that’s what you get. I’m surprised Tara didn’t send some lackeys down to help her out, she was all on her own! JLT: Felicity is her own person, for her to win cheating would have been a travesty. Leah: A travesty? You’re such a drama queen! [In the ring, an angry Felicity stands up, still hurting from the finisher and holding her chest and head. The referee informs her of her loss and she slaps him across the face and then nails a hard right hand to his face to knock him out.] Leah: Haha, maybe I was wrong about her… [As Crystal celebrates on the top rope, Felicity approaches her from behind, grabbing her by her attire and yanking her back down to the ring. Felicity knees Crystal in the stomach and eyes up Anthony and his friend as they look on in horror, not risking their lives by getting involved with her again. Felicity then turns Crystal to face the centre of the ring and looks around, eyeing up the crowd with a smug smile and then flips forward with her flipping piledriver “Flick Driver” finisher to plant Crystal in the canvas.] JLT: Whoa, Felicity is not taking this well! Leah: Well, neither is Crystal by the looks of her. She’s all slumped out in the middle of the ring. Felicity ruined her parade! [Felicity then stands up and celebrates herself to the audience, who heavily boo her, Felicity then uses both hands to flip the audience the middle finger as she quickly rushes backstage to find Tara.] JLT: What an ungracious loser Felicity is! Leah: She’s just embarrassed that I kicked her ass. [We cut backstage to Tara Lee's dressing room, which is lavishly furnished as Tara sits behind her desk filing her nails with a giant flatscreen TV on the wall, relaying action from the stadium. Laura enters Tara's office, Stripped Title slung over her right shoulder, Madison at her side. She holds up a folded piece of paper.] Laura: You wanted to see me? Tara: I did?... What's that shiny thing on your... OH YEA! Yes. I did. [Puts down nail file.] Tara: Look... I have a problem. Laura: (sarcastically) Newsflash: Tara Lee has a f*ckin' problem. [Tara stares blankly.] Tara: That is brilliant actually... where the hell is Holly? Barracuda?! I WANT NEWS ALERTS WHEN I THINK SOMETHING! LIKE ON THE NEWS! [Silence.] Tara: HELLO!? WHERE ARE YOU?! [Barracuda shouts from the en-suite bathroom of Tara's dressing room, coming into the room with a look of anger on her face.] Barracuda: WHAT?! I'm fucking busy. Tara: Hey, I need news alerts sent out when I think something. Can you do that? Like twitter or something? [This display of airheadedness almost brings Laura to tears.] Laura: Oh my God... Barracuda: I'll send out a memo and tell Holly to update hers. It's so tragic, she has like zero followers… Tara: I know. Poor girl... anyway, getting back to you. Umm... Barracuda has some really horrible news she needs to tell you. [Tara looks up at Laura and stares at Laura's biceps.] Tara: Go ahead and tell her Barracuda. Barracuda: Laura, you might want to sit down. There's been a development, I don't know if you've heard... [Barracuda takes a deep breath.] Barracuda: Keisha has been kicked out of the Sugababes. Madison: WHAT!? NOOOO!! [Tara rolls her eyes.] Tara: Not this again. [Tara shoots Barracuda a death-stare and turns to give Laura her full attention, resisting the urge to bitchslap her assistant.] Tara: Look, Laura, you're main eventing and I need gold. I'm taking your belt. Laura: No. Tara: ... look, you've been stripped of the Stripped... sorry. Hand me the belt and get out of my office nicely, or say goodbye to participating in MY TOURNAMENT for the Unleashed Championship. What are you, scared you're not going to win? I'd hate to have to let Madison go because there isn't enough titles for the roster to compete over... Laura: F*ck you! I earned this belt. I went through so much sh*t to get this thing, I'm NOT voluntarily giving it up. [Tara looks on smugly.] Tara: Fine... Madison is fired. Laura: Are you serious? Tara: Like a bad hair day...what? Don't look at me like that. Those are so serious! What did you want me to say? Cancer or something? [Madison looks at Laura with huge eyes anticpating Laura's decision.] Tara: What's it gonna be? End your sister's blossoming career before it even gets a chance to grow because you're too self conscious that you're not going to take the gold? Holding onto the title like Gollum from Lord of the Rings or something.. Laura: No. This is bullsh*t. What gives you the right to do this? You know how much I went through to finally get this thing. If I lose it, it's going to be because I was BEATEN! Tara: You know what... fine. Laura Seton versus Madison Seton for the Stripped title. RIght here, right now. Hardcore rules, pinfall anywhere. I'll even be the referee. Ready? Go. Madison: WAIT! [She taps Laura on the shoulder and she turns around.] Madison: (quietly) Think about what you're doing. You want to give up the chance for the Unleashed Title? [Laura looks at her sister for a second before turning back to Tara.] Laura: Why do I have to give this up to be in the title match? [Tara looks around nervously before leaning backwards and reassuring herself.] Tara: It's none of your damn business. This is my company, you want to be in it? You play by my rules. Laura: IT'S MY F*CKING BELT YOU C*NT!! I think that makes this my business. [Laura looks at Barracuda] Laura: Help here! Barracuda: What am I meant to do? I modelled myself to look like Tequila and now I work for Tara, it's not like I have any power around here anymore? I KNEW I should've taken that Hilary Duff duet when I got the chance... [Tara slaps Barracuda] Tara: DON'T SAY HER NAME! Madison: I like Hilary Duff! Laura: (turning to Madison) Stop. [Laura turns back to Tara.] Laura: Answer my question. Why the FFFUCK do I have to give this up? Tara: You want to know the real reason? Laura: (sarcastically) No, I'm just throwing a fit because it's fun. Tara: Because you make a horrible Stripped Champion. You're from Wisconsin! You bitch about the stipulations, don't wear attractive ring attire and quite frankly... aren't attractive enough for the belt. Everytime our fans think "Stripped" they expect someone sexy, someone like Totally Radd, or Felicity. Not a damn Seton. Barracuda: What about me?! Tara: I think about you with your clothes off and I want to scream. [Tara slaps Barracuda again.] Tara: Shut up bitch! [Laura reaches out and grabs Tara's hand] Laura: Stop slapping her. [Tara retracts her hand back.] Tara: Don't touch me commoner. Laura: Look, if you won't give me a straight answer... [Madison spins her sister around to face her again.] Madison: Laura, please...give the belt up. Laura: NO! Tara: Madison, get your shit and go home. You're fired. Madison: You're being so stubborn. Laura: (whining) No I'm not! Madison: What were you always telling me about being in wrestling? About being the best? Laura: Get the top title. Madison: So what are you doing here? You're going to cost yourself a chance at the Unleashed Title because you want to hold on to a belt that took you forever to gain? Because you're too stubborn to see what's best in the long run? [Laura has a few breaths and her face relaxes...almost as if coming to a realization Madison just might be right. She turns towards Tara. Tara holds her hand out for the belt. Madison turns to Laura.] Madison: Please? At the very least so I can stay. [Laura purses her lips and has one more turn to Tara. She looks like she's about to lose a dear family member.] Laura: I can't believe I'm doing this.... [She takes the belt off her shoulder and reluctantly hands it over. Tara rips the belt away from Laura's grasp and hugs it like a teddy bear. She then realizes everyone is staring at her.] Tara: *ah-hem* uhm... good luck with your match. Get out of my office. [We cut to ringside to see a horrified looking JLT and an unimpressed Leah.] JLT: Tara just stripped Laura of the Stripped Championship!!! Leah: ...Hilary Duff asked Barracuda Jones to duet with her? That girl is desperate. JLT: Leah, that's not the point! Laura has lost her championship and for no good reason! What the hell is Tara thinking? Leah: ...I don't know?! I'm happy Laura is not the champion anymore. I trust Tara. She's obviously got something mega up her sleeve! The night was FINALLY upon us, just in a few moments "The Starless Knockout" Katie Kooper is going to have her next Rockford Title defense against her next challenger in Mercedes Vargas. Everybody knows the story on Katie's title defense, 8+ months long. It was the question can she even retain? Travis Kooper: Alright...CHAMP! You ready for this? Go out there and bust Mercedes' head open? Katie Kooper: Travis, come on now; it's ME you're talking to about that. Of course I'm ready to do that. Everyday I'm ready to put a hurting on somebody and Mercedes happens to be on that path. The two was suddenly interrupted with laughter from the background as they both turned around and seen none other than Divas Unleashed Interviewer and Gossip Queen Krysta Taylor..well here comes trouble. Katie Kooper: Oh lord, just when I thought I was having a good day. Krysta Taylor: That's so sweet Katie, so sweet and gulliable SOON to be ex-Rockford Champion. You honestly think you got what it takes to beat a girl like Mercedes Vargas who has an alliance with the soon to be Unleashed Champion? Travis stood silent, he already knew not to get in the middle of two girls who were talking, he just moved back slightly, leaning against the wall. Katie smirked looking right at Krysta, she already knew Krysta was going to try to get inside her head and Katie wasn't going to allow it. Katie Kooper: Soon to be, huh? Oh I like that very much. Funny thing is, didn't you happen to say the SAME thing at Control of the Knife and THAAANNNNN Terror in Tokyo? Sure I might not be the best all around diva on the roster, but I'm the champion for a reason. Krysta Taylor: It's luck, that's all you have and ever will have Katie. Katie Kooper: That's what you think? Krysta Taylor: That's what I know. Katie Kooper: Than obviously you don't know shit if you think those saddles make you look fashionable when it shows how fat your feet are and that dress doesn't help anything at all. Travis Kooper: OHHH!!! BURRRRNNN!!!!! Katie Kooper: Now let's be real about this Krysta. I'm the champion and I got all these challengers coming after me for a title shot; I've dealt with Makaze and I'm dealing with Mercedes tonight. I'm doing whatever it takes to retain MY Championship. She can ask her new love buddy in Veronica to come out and help her, but she aint getting this belt away from me. You can doubt me all you want, but the facts are right there. Travis Kooper: YEAH!! Katie is going to chew up Mercedes and spit her out!! Katie Kooper: Ye...wait, EWWW, what? Travis Kooper: What? Katie Kooper: That's disgusting Travis. Krysta Taylor: Have fun getting your ass kicked. I'll be one of many girls smiling from the back as soon as you lose. Krysta gave Katie a little love tap on the cheek as she walked away; Katie laughed shaking her head as the two of them continued to get ready for Katie's match that was coming up pretty soon. Rockford State Championship Match Katie Kooper © vs. Mercedes Vargas [The camera pans to ringside where we see Leah & JLT at the announcer’s table as they watch John Roe step inside the ring.] Leah: John Roe is such a fatass. JLT: LEAH! Leah: What? You would think walking up and down all those steps every time we have a show would make him burn a few calories, but I swear he just keeps getting bigger and bigger. He’ll need a crane to get his ass in the ring soon enough. JLT: …you wouldn’t make fun of him if he didn’t piss you off, what happened? Leah: He didn’t compliment my new shoes. I got them here at the Louis Vuitton store by the Macy’s in Union Square. That place is… AMAZING! [As Leah leans back and props her new designer boots on the table for the crowd to see, John Roe raises the microphone to his lips. "Face to Face" by Siouxsie & the Banshees starts from the PA system as Mercedes appears on the entranceway, hand on hip. Cheers, boos and catcalls soon greet her. Oblivious and yet satisfied with their reaction for several seconds, she flips her long hair, then makes her way to the ring.] John Roe: Ladies and gentlemen…the following contest is scheduled for fall and it is for the Divas Unleashed Rockford State Championship… first, making her way to the ring from Buenos Aires, Argentina…MERCEDES VARGAS!!!!! Leah: Quick JLT! Hand me my gun! I can take her out before she tries to kill us! JLT: Oh sure Leah, let me just let you murder someone because you’re paranoid. Leah: OH MY GOD… you’re a communist sympathizer! Just like Lucille Ball! JLT: You need A.D.D. medication or something. [As Mercedes reaches the apron, she climbs to the turnbuckle and then turns her head back to show a determined expression-perhaps a message that her opponent will be in for a tough fight. After a few moments, Mercedes music is cut as "Watch Me Shine" by Joanna Pacitti blasts as Katie comes out from backstage with the Rockford State Championship over her shoulder. She stands confidently as she takes in the open sky above the arena before walking down the runway, her brother Travis by her side.] JLT: Did you see Katie’s interview in the first edition of Divisage? Maria Watkins interviewed her in the first “Diva Insider” interview. Leah: No, I was too distracted by Radd completely disgracing Michael Jackson and your Communist sympathy. JLT: You should read it, it’s a good interview. She talks about how she didn’t react to Mercedes attack against her because she “knew the next pay per view would be coming around pretty soon the next coming weeks, so I figured the best way to get the bitch back was humilate her infront of a sold out crowd at Divacide". and that she was “sure Mercedes THOUGHT I was scared of her since I decided to stay classy and not get her back, but everybody should watch Sunday; I guarentee it.” Leah: Since when is incest classy? [As JLT facepalms herself, Katie gets into the ring, climbs the top turnbuckle raising her arms and championship to be bathed in photography flashes. Just as Mercedes is about to sprint towards Katie and attack her from behind, Travis steps in Mercedes’ path stopping her. Mercedes immediately gets in Travis’ face and is about to slap him when the referee separates the duo. John Roe is handed an envelope by a staff member that had just run from the backstage area. John opens the envelope and then speaks up again as Katie’s music cuts.] John Roe: Ladies & Gentlemen… I’ve just been informed by President Tara Lee that this Rockford State Championship match has just been changed to a “San Francisco Treasure Hunt Match"!!!!! [The crowd has a mixed reaction, as no one quite knows what that means.] Leah: What the fuck is that? John Roe: In this envelope, there is a clue. One of the clues will be the location of where the Rockford State Championship belt will be hidden. The first diva to find the Rockford State Championship Belt shall be the new Rockford State Champion!!!! JLT: Does that mean what I think it means? Leah: That we’re going to watch these two idiots wander around San Francisco all night? Yes. Ugh, I swear Tara Lee is the dumbest bitch ever. Next thing you know, she’ll think of a match that takes place on an island that used to be a prison, or have a PPV in an open-air stadium. Oh wait, she is that retarded because we have both! JLT: …jesus you bitch a lot. Leah: It is way too cold here. Why can’t we go someplace nice, like San Diego? [Mercedes and Katie eye each other as John Roe reads aloud the first clue.] John Roe: This San Francisco street is infamously known as “The Crookedest Street In The World”. [Mercedes raises her eyebrow and smirks before she rolls out of the ring and runs backstage as Katie stares blankly at Travis for an answer. Travis shrugs and says “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Katie’s fans begin screaming at her and she slides out of the ring where a very frantic 14 year old girl yells the answer to her.] Leah: Using a teenager to win a match? Pathetic. JLT: By that tone I should assume you’re on Mercedes side of this match? Leah: Of course not! I don’t want to be overrun by Commies! I dislike both of them equally… although, Katie isn’t trying to take over the world. Wait, Mercedes knew the answer? Damn those terrorist groups know their intelligence! [After the front row assures Katie that “Lombard Street” is the answer, Katie and Travis run back up the runway to the backstage area.] Leah: Let me guess… this match is going to be split into segments too? JLT: Looks like it. Leah: Crap. Just when I thought my misery would be condensed into one full fledged showing, we’re expanding it. Thank you Tara Lee, for your brilliance. Again. JLT: Speaking of which, we now cut back to the Alcatraz Island Match. [The camera cuts backstage to the smoking section of DU where a logo appears in the top corner which says "TAPED EARLIER" as Tara Lee smiles as she walks along the divas competing in the Mystery Match. Totally Radd and Tara exchange winks, as Kitty Cummings stands sheepishly in between Henshin Belleza and Totally Radd, with Crystal Hilton eating from a bag of chips and Christine McQuisten adjusting her clothing.] [The divas stand in a line, almost like a police line-up, outside the arena as it appears the Blonde Ambition protestors are in full swing behind Tara and chanting things at her, leaving Holly Wentz to try and shush them, as we hear the sounds of Crystal Deymonaz and Felicity playing in the arena while this meeting takes place.] [Tara stands in front of them, placing her hands on her hips and begins to address them.] Tara: Now, as you guys know, you're in a mystery match. Now, I was a little late getting here tonight so we're going to have rush this. But you will all be heading out to Alcatraz Island and you will be fighting each other there! [The divas glance at each other, looking surprised and confused.] Tara: Alcatraz is a prison, Kitty. [Kitty murmurs 'oh' and then looks shocked. Tara rolls her eyes.] Tara: So, you guys will be heading to Alcatraz to compete in an elimination match...BUT...I figured while that is special, I want to make it extra special. [Tara glances at Radd.] Tara: So tonight, you will be not only competing at Alcatraz but you will also be competing for...the Stripped Championship! [The divas look shocked and confused once more, talking amongst themselves as Radd cuts an evil smile and nods at Tara.] Tara: So good luck! Now make your way to the bus because you have a ferry to catch! Stripped Championship Alcatraz Elimination Match Christine McQuisten vs. Crystal Hilton vs. Henshin Belleza vs. Kitty Cummings vs. Makaze vs. Totally Radd Leah: What the hell? This match is for the Stripped Championship?! JLT: Well, Laura is no longer the champion so it looks like we're crowning a new champion from this match! When they said mystery match, I didn't expect this! Leah: Tara is such a genius! First she gets rid of Laura as the champion which was awesome and now we have the possibility of mah gurl Crystal Hilton winning the belt! What a turn! JLT: Well, we promised a night packed full of surprises and so far I think Divacide has more than delivered! [The videoscreens that display prominently throughout Candlestick Park suddenly cut to the image of one of the famous Blue & Gold Fleet ferry gliding along the waters in the middle of San Francisco Bay. Waves crest alongside the boat as it sails along to the most infamous island in the world. The crowd begins to cheer at the sight they are seeing… Alcatraz Island.] Leah: What the hell is that? JLT: That’s Alcatraz Island! Leah: Isn’t that in Barbados or something? JLT: No, it’s right outside San Francisco. Who the hell doesn’t know where Alcatraz Island is? Leah: Craig didn’t… JLT: Craig’s crazy. He plays with G.I. Joe’s in his bathtub. Leah: Really?! Aww… that’s kinda cute. Kinda. [Moments later, the Ferry reaches the Alcatraz Island dock and we see Christine McQuistin, Crystal Hilton, Henshin Belleza, Kitty Cummings, Makaze and Totally Radd exit the ferry and walk along the path. All six divas are shivering from the bitter cold winds that whips across the island as they scurry away from the dock and stand behind a wall to block themselves. The referee carries a small portable screen that he opens up and the Divas huddle around to peer into. The screen shows John Roe in the center of the ring as the black sky hangs above him. He raises the microphone to his face.] John Roe: Ladies and gentlemen…the following contest is an Alcatraz Elimination Match for the Stripped Championship!!! [The crowd cheers.] Leah: They don’t even know what that means. Tools. John Roe: The match is a falls count anywhere elimination challenge, and whoever is the last diva standing will be declared the winner and the new champion. [Ding, ding.] [The Divas remain standing next to the screen shivering, unsure if that means that the match has started. Radd rolls her eyes and begins to walk up the switchback trail that leads to the top of the island. Christine looks around and decides to deck Crystal Hilton across the face! Crystal falls ass first onto the ground and looks up at Christine in shock. Henshin and Makaze begin exchanging blows as Kitty stands back unsure of what to do.] JLT: And a hard shot by Christine gets the match started sending Crystal to the concrete pavement with a hard punch. Leah: Yea, but she landed on her ass. I’m sure she’s fine. She has a TON of cushioning back there. It must be nice to have your own cushion for everything you would ever sit on. [Crystal gets back to her feet and tackles Christine to the ground. Makaze and Henshin begin heading away from the group as Makaze shoves Henshin’s back into a wooden dock pillar. Henshin bounces forward from the impact grabbing her back and Makaze leaps into the air to hit a spinning roundhouse kick, but Henshin ducks at the last moment. As Makaze lands crouched on the ground, Henshin grabs the back of Makaze’s neck and sends her flying face first into the cement light pillar!!!!!] JLT: Makaze’s face! She’s bleeding. [As Henshin bends down and straddles Makaze to deliver some punches, we see Christine grabbing Crystal Hilton by the back of the head and trying to ram her into the glass window of the visitor’s center! Crystal stops her at the last moment with an elbow to the gut and a chop across Christine’s chest! Christine reels backwards and gets a pissed expression on her face as her skin begins to turn red and she delivers a chop to Crystal’s chest! Crystal reels backwards from the hit and both divas then immediately go to punch each other in the face with their right hand. Both Christine & Crystal connect and both fall to the cement pavement on their backs right next to each other, dazed by the blows.] Leah: Yes! Knock each other out so we don’t have to watch something on video screen. I don’t get my endorsement deals to sit out in cold weather and watch a big screen. This is the most retarded match idea ever. JLT: Would you stop complaining? I mean we’re trying to be inventive andWHOA MY GOD KITTY! [Out of no where Kitty Cummings comes flying from the top of the camera view with a bodysplash on top of Crystal & Christine! She stays on for the pin!] [1] . . . [2] . [Both Christine & Crystal kick out, pushing Kitty off of them with enough force she’s able to land on her feet!] Leah: Damn! That much closer, but now I have to sit and be cold. Ugh. JLT: Kitty nearly eliminated some of the top contenders in this match all by herself! That would have been a career highlight for her. Leah: You know what my career highlight is? Knocking bitches out of the Thrilla in Manila Battle Royal. That’s a highlight. Not eliminating a fatass and a mentally unstable blonde. JLT: You’re so damn narcissistic… oh no Kitty! [Kitty slowly backs away as Crystal & Christine look at Kitty with fury in their eyes. Kitty takes off in the other direction in full sprint as Crystal and Christine take off after her up the trail leading to the island watchtower. We cut back to Makaze and Henshin’s fight at the dock where we see a blood spattered Makaze being completely woman-handled by Henshin who has a rope from the dock around Makaze’s neck that she is dragging her around by. The camera pans back and we see exactly what Henshin is intending to do.] JLT: She wouldn’t! Leah: She’s a crazy chick with a mask, of course she would. Would you really be that upset if she died? There’s like, billions of them. JLT: You’re so racist Leah, it’s annoying. Leah: I’m just honest. [Henshin pulls Makaze to her feet as she reaches the edge of the island, where she stands on a cliffside 20 feet above the roaring ocean that thrashes against the island’s rock saturated shoreline. The city of San Francisco and the Bay Bridge fill the background as Henshin shoves Makaze off the cliff! Makaze catches her balance at the last second and pulls herself to safety, but Henshin immediately grabs Makaze’s throat and hoists Makaze into the air. Makaze gets a still kick into Henshin’s face! Henshin stumbles backwards and Makaze falls to the ground. Makaze quickly hits a drop-toe-hold on Henshin, causing Henshin to land on her chest, with her head hanging over the cliffside! Henshin’s eyes open widely as she flips onto her back to see Makaze jump on top of her to deliver a few punches, when Henshin suddenly monkey flips Makaze off of her, OVER THE CLIFF!!!!!!!] JLT: OH NO!!!!! Leah: Whoa… [Henshin flips onto her stomach and watches as Makaze (and the rope around her neck) fall 20 feet into the freezing ocean below! A U.S. Coast Guard boat is seen off in the distance coming towards the island but Makaze’s head doesn’t reappear above the water.] JLT: I’ve just received word from the producers that we’ll be coming back to Alcatraz a bit later in the eveving. Leah: But I want to see if she lives! JLT: I thought you didn’t care if she died. “There’s like billions of them…” Leah: JLT… why are all the white folks from the mid-west so racist? You disgust me. JLT: *sigh*… Leah: Plus I want to know if her huge boobs would be floatation devices, but they are probably more like weights. [The camera cuts backstage to see Kathy Griffin greeting divas as she sits in a box overlooking the arena, having the honour of being the event's special guest. Kathy glances at her two Emmys sitting on a table next to a glass of diet soda as Tiffany giggles and Tom fiddles with his eyebrows, her assistants seemingly enjoying the event. Kathy makes small talk with the divas, insulting them in the process with her style of humour, and all of a sudden a gay gasp is heard.] [Kathy's eyes prick up as Gay Bandit walks into the room like he's floating, with Krysta Taylor following him. Gay Bandit stands and stares at Kathy, his face lit up with glee and joy. Kathy smiles and begins to brush her hair like she knows she's fabulous.] Kathy Griffin: Thank god, I was starting to worry there would be no gays here but you made it! Holla! Gay Bandit: HOMAGOSH! I love you Kathy! You are so funny and hilarious and amazing and fabulous and fierce and divine and whatever else, you're a true DIVA! Kathy Griffin: Aww, thank you. You know I'm an authoress, right? #1 New York Times Bestseller! It's selling more copies than the Bible! [Kathy holds up a copy of her book, "Official Book Club Selection", to the camera with a huge smile.] Gay Bandit: I know, girl, I know! I have the book! I read it like five times! Too bad I'm not in it but maybe I can be in the next one as your adorable sidekick? Huh? [Krysta sighs and Bandit turns to her in shock, offended. Kathy smiles, fakely as Krysta stands looking bored and Bandit looks upset that she seems to be unimpressed with his idol.] Kathy Griffin: Krysta, you have huge boobs you could totally be a manager at Hooters! Krysta Taylor: What? Were you talking to me? I couldn't tell, I was too distracted by your "dental work". Maybe you should have saved some of that money your husband stole from you and actually gone to a decent plastic surgeon. You look like a drag queen... [Kathy stands up and looks like she's about to smile but she lunges towards Krysta Taylor knocking her down to the floor and straddles her and begins to slap her in the face as Krysta begins to hit Kathy in the chest.] Kathy Griffin: You're going down bitch! [A group of DU photographers begin snapping the moment like crazy.] Kathy Griffin: Please! No pictures! I'm a person! [Kathy smiles at the photographers in the middle of her catfight.] Kathy Griffin: How's my hair? [Stagehands pull Kathy and Krysta off each other as Kathy begins to smile and pose like she's on a runway, encouraging the media attention from DU photographers and press outlets while Krysta looks furious, trying to get back at Kathy for messing up for her hair. As the two journalists leave the room, Bandit seems to be on the verge of tears as Krysta straightens herself out and tries to link arms with him but Bandit shoves her away.] Gay Bandit: Go away, you ho! You're not my friend anymore! Nobody treats Mrs Kathy like that! [Krysta looks shocked, as Bandit races back to Kathy Griffin's arms, posing next to her and pulling all sorts of poses that Tyra Banks would be proud of.] Stripped Championship Match Christine McQuisten vs. Crystal Hilton vs. Henshin Belleza vs. Kitty Cummings vs. Makaze vs. Totally Radd [We cut back to Alcatraz Island where we see Henshin walking up the entrance of Alcatraz Prison at the summit of the island. She peers around in both directions before walking in.] JLT: We’re now picking our feed back up at Alcatraz where you just saw Henshin enter Alcatraz Prison and just to give you an update, we have still not found Makaze yet. The Coast Guard tells us the currents around Alcatraz are quite strong which is why it was chosen as the location for the prison. Leah: You know Al Capone was an inmate there? Imma have to go there now. He was gangsta. JLT: What? Leah: Gangsta. JLT: Don’t you mean gangster? Leah: No white devil. I need to pay my respects to a true African-American hero. JLT: Al Capone was white. Leah: …WHAT?! [On screen we see Kitty climbing as fast as she can up the ladder staircase on the watch tower to get away from Crystal and Christine who are chasing after her. Crystal reaches the ladder just before Christine and as Christine waits as Crystal begins to ascend. Christine then calmly leans backwards underneath Crystal, and grabs Crystal’s legs, hitting a VISCIOUS powerbomb!!!!! Crystal lays out cold on the cement pavement and Christine covers her.] [1] . . . [2] . . . [A wooden bucket suddenly nails Christine in the face breaking the count! Christine rolls off of Crystal grabbing her face in pain as she tries to figure out where it came from. We then see the bucket swinging by a long steel wire from the top of the watchtower, where Kitty had just knocked it off.] Kitty Cummings: It was an accident! [Christine looks furious as she immediately jumps to her feet and climbs up the watchtower as quickly as she can. Kitty has no where left to run as the whole tower shakes with every step Christine takes. Kitty sees the bucket swinging and starts to pull it up as quickly as she can. She gets it in her hand, just as Christine reaches the top of the steps and steps onto the watchtower platform. Kitty nervously launches the bucket at Christine’s face again, but Christine catches it and smirks. Kitty immediately runs and the other direction and the cat and mouse chase suddenly comes to a draw as the two divas continue to circle around the square platform that surrounds the watchtower room. Christine stops running and decides to block the stairway to Kitty will eventually have to come to her. Kitty then decides she is up for the waiting game as well and then jumps into the watchtower room and slams the door shut before her. Kitty then realizes that this was an error, as her eyes widen in horror.] Leah: What an idiot. [The door has no lock, nor handle and the glass that was once on the door is now gone. Christine kicks the door open with seconds and grabs Kitty by the back of the head who begins screaming. The screaming is immediately silenced as Christine bounces Kitty’s head off of the desk within the tower room. Christine attempts to pull Kitty out of the room, but Kitty grabs onto a table and refuses to let go. Then leads to Kitty and the table being dragged out of the tiny room until the table catches the doorframe. Christine sighs and lets go of Kitty, who immediately jumps back into the room and closes the door, before pushing the table in front of the doorway. Christine simply steps through the hole in the door onto the table and Kitty suddenly pulls on the table legs, shaking the table and sends Christine flying back through the hole in the door to the platform outside on her back!] JLT: Nice move by Kitty! [Kitty seems almost as shocked as Christine does by the move and Kitty move the table, opens the door and runs outside of the room. She starts kicking away at Christine who is struggling to get to her feet. Kitty suddenly grabs Christine by the arm and runs alongside the guardrail before hitting a springboard armdrag sending Christine flying across the platform!!!] Leah: Yea! Go girl! JLT: …did… you just… encourage someone to win… who isn’t a bitch? Leah: It happens everyone once in awhile. I was caught up in the moment, thanks for bringing me down. [Christine looks very dazed as she sits up and Kitty signals for the “Schoolgirl Crush”!!!!! Kitty begins to stalk behind Christine who wearily gets to her feet looking around for Kitty when Kitty grabs her from behind for the double-underhook reverse-DDT! Christine is able to shove Kitty off of her at the last second, and takes a few steps away before leaning over to catch her breath. Kitty then runs up to Christine and leaps up for a hurricanrana, but Christine ducks and catches her in a crucifix position! Christine then kicks the door to the watch room open and Christine then delivers her beautiful “Reality Changer” finisher (Crucifix Dominator) onto Kitty, right through the table!!! Christine covers as the referee tries to find a spot to start the count.] [1] . . . [2] . . . [3!!!] Eliminated: Kitty Cummings [Christine stands up and breathes a sigh of relief before walking back out of the guard tower before rushing towards the stairs she can pin Crystal Hilton. As she reaches the top of them however, she notices that Crystal is gone.] JLT: I wonder where Crystal went? Leah: I would say follow the bread crumbs, or the jelly beans, or the piece of candy… but you know … JLT: What, ate them? Leah: What? No. I was gonna say the birds on the island ate them. Did you know there was a prisoner named “The Birdman of Alcatraz” and the rumor is he would talk to birds and tell them what to do? And that his ghost is still on the island? And now this island is a bird sanctuary? JLT: How did you find that out? Leah: Wikipedia on my iPhone. I thought you were telling me Al Capone was white to hurt my feelings so I looked it up to prove you wrong. I hate when you’re right. It’s like a part of me dies inside. JLT: Well, before we head back out to see how Katie and Mercedes are getting on, we've got a message from Mercedes that I'm sure Katie's fans won't be happy to see. This was taped earlier... Leah: Obviously. We don't have such poor planning that we didn't realise that having a street fights and island matches would mean the divas wouldn't be in the arena and so we had to frantically rearrange their segments. I mean, give us some credit... Narration: Tonight, we focus on the life and times of one of Divas Unleashed greatest stars. Join me for the hour on a very special “wrestling edition” of Entertainment Tonight, the worlds most trusted source for celebrity gossip worldwide. [[We pan over to a studio set, a spotlight the only source of light available. A chair is in the center and here sits Mercedes Vargas in a black twill business suit, legs crossed, and one arm rigid under her chin as the other is lying on her lap.]] Mercedes: Welcome to this special segment of Entertainment Tonight, I’m Mercedes Vargas and tonight we look into the life of one of Divas Unleashed most successful divas—the one known as the “Fiery Redhead”, the “Starless Knockout” Katie Kooper. We’ve known her to become the firecracker she has for over a year now, but in order to understand her present, we must understand how she was in the past. For the next hour we will focus on her upbringing and how she became the hottest sensation she is today. [[We are introduced to some baby pictures as Mercedes speak in voiceover throughout this segment.]] Mercedes: Katie Kooper and her brother Travis grew up in the impoverish neighborhood of the Bronx, New York. Young Katie and her older brother, however, were left parentless, after a fatal car accident claimed the lives of their parents when Katie was only two years old. Travis, five years older, suddenly found himself taking care of her sister as they traveled from orphanage to orphange in hopes of finding a home in the Bronx. Here are Frankie and Ana Testaverde. Ana Testaverde: Katie's parents left behind a letter, a deep dark secret they've been hiding for a long time. Interviewer: Secret? What was it? Frankie Testaverde: Well…Katie...she’s actually adopted. Mercedes: Harsh that it was, Katie Kooper trudged alone, never knowing that this terrible secret would work for her own good. During her childhood years, Katie would spend her school days playing skeeball. And she was very good at it. Here is Jocelyn Kooper. Jocelyn Kooper: It was the very few sports she actually mastered. Basketball, football, baseball, hell, even tennis—neither of these she was good at. Don’t even get me started on golf… Mercedes: And so, Katie Kooper became one of her high school’s best skeeball players, continually ranking in the top three during her years. Realizing that college was not in her future, Katie looked on for another profession that suited her taste and took up wrestling instead at the age of 20. Frankie Testaverde: I was very surprised when she told me this. Admittedly, I thought she was going to say she was on drugs or worse. Ana Testaverde: Wrestlers don’t do drugs. At least that what I heard… Mercedes: Travis Kooper decided to become Katie's manager as he was also a wrestler at the time. A year later, Katie, after much advice and training by her brother, was indeed ready to become a force in the wrestling world. Her debut for Divas Unleashed was a rocky one at best. Losing her first two matches (a battle royal and a first round exit in the Divas Unleashed Tournament), it took Katie almost a year to actually win her first match. However, no win was more satisfying then the night of February 8th. Winning her first title against soon to be rival, Makaze. Jocelyn Kooper: We actually came and watched Katie kick some ass and she actually did the impossible. She shocked the world. Sean Kooper: It’s one night I’ll never forget, that’s for sure! Auntie Katie is AWESOME!! Mercedes: The win catapulted Katie to huge status in Divas Unleashed as she held the title for almost four months. In a rematch for the title belt at Control of the Knife, Katie battle Makaze in A Bronx No Disqualification Street Fight. The match went all around the arena, even outside of the Tokyo crowd as the match saw Katie retain the title and Makaze nearly injured by a moving train. Now, she awaits her next challenger for the title belt at Divacide. [[We return live to the set with Mercedes placing the script she read from to one side.]] Mercedes: Yeah, I know, I know. These were all paid actors and some of the events were a bit exaggerated, but tonight isn't going to be from a playscript. I’m going to win. The minute I beat Darla Daniels to become number one contender should have brought you to realize that your time is running out. Tonight at Divacide, the Starless Knockout is going to get...knocked…out and when that bell rings this “stuck-up bitch”, one of the names you've called me, is going to walk out of San Francisco the NEW Rockford State Champion. Mercedes: I’m glad you’re back to perfect health, Katie because the only bad news is going to be in tomorrow's Chronicle when I kick your ass all over Candlestick Park tonight. Now, with Halloween coming and all, there are some people who are superstitious, but I don't consider myself to be one of them. This happens to be my thirteenth match since joining DU and depending on who you ask it could be my lucky or unlucky day. Point is, luck has nothing to do with it, though for you, it's going to make a world of difference from you ending up in the hospital for the third time. [[Mercedes pauses for a moment, a look of cocern on her face.]] Mercedes: What? What do you mean that was mean? It's suppose to be a promo! (does beckoning gesture) Come here. No, don't give the that look, I said, "come here"! [[The camera peels back to reveal Holly Wentz, DU's favorite interviewer as she appears on panel. She trips up over some cables before she finally stumbles to the right side of the Argentine native.]] Mercedes: (softly) Holly, when doing this segment, have I ever asked for your opinion? Holly: Um, n-no? Mercedes: (mocking) Um, n-no? That's right, Holly, I never asked for your two cents. I asked for you to shut up and stand behind the camera! Holly: But, Katie... Mercedes: What about Katie? You think she's going to beat me? (Long pause) Well?! Holly: She is the Rockford State Champion and she's held the belt for a long time. Mercedes: Oh, yeah? Well, I've got news for you, Holly. Katie's time as champion is coming to an end. Because it's my time now. I'm going to make her cry like the little girl she is and then; and then I'm going to take her face to wipe her tears off the canvas! Now do your damn job! (shoves Holly away) [[Mercedes looks into the camera as she returns to her chair.]] Mercedes: Katie, I like happy endings just as much as the next person, but this is one fairytale that won't have a happy ending. Just like Cinderella, when that clock strikes midnight everything will return as they once were: You’ll fade away to obscurity, returning to the midcard where you belong and competing against the bottom feeders of the DU locker room. You say I'm a failure? Reality check: Katie, unlike you I won my debut match; unlike you, it didn’t take me a year to win my first match. And after tonight...(extreme close-up) unlike you, you'll fail to live up to expectations. [[Mercedes flashes one last smile for the camera as the scene fades.]] JLT: That was an interesting piece...slightly random that Mercedes was doing it. I think she has an alterior motive doing that, she's trying to mess with Katie. Leah: Never trust a communist Jamie, NEVER. Although I have to say...I want more! More! I always knew Katie had a seedy past! Tag Team Championship Match Colleen Roades & Roxie Rebel (Rebel & Roades) © vs. Courtney Monroe & Lisa Richardson (Blonde Ambition 2.0) JLT: We have the Tag Team Championships on the line next as Blonde Ambition 2.0 challenge Rebel & Roades for the belts. R&R have held the championships for a long time now and although they’ve never been touted in the same way that Blonde Ambition have, they’ve a respectable team. Leah: Ugh, people lose their shit over Blonde Ambition for no reason. They’re all style and no substance. They’re like the Britney Spears, circa 2001, of DU. JLT: Colleen and Roxie defeated Carley and Courtney Monroe to win these championships and naturally being sisters, Carley and Courtney had quite the connection with each other but they lacked the focus. Lisa Richardson seems to have more brains than the both of them and seems to be driving Courtney forward in a better direction. Leah: Courtney seems to hate it though, I mean if she loved Lisa so much why is she doing the whole “Rehire My Sissy” campaign? What a stupid idea. That’s the worst concept ever. What’s next? Legalising gay marriage? JLT: Well, Carley was popular amongst the DU fans and naturally the Blonde Ambition fan club is quite big but let’s not forget, Rebel & Roades have their own contingent of fans here tonight. They definitely have Blonde Ambition beaten in the talent stakes, they can both out-wrestle BA. Leah: Nobody cares about wrestling, Jamie, this is Divas Unleashed. [“Rock Around The Clock” by Bill Haley plays out of the PA as a motorcycle is heard. From a side of the stage comes Colleen Roades in a side car and her cousin Roxie Rebel riding on the back of the motorcycle. Colleen gives a happy wave as Roxie rocks her head to the music as she holds onto her brother, Johnny, who drives the two down to the ring.] John Roe: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the DU Tag Team Championships. Introducing first, at a combined weight of 272lbs, accompanied to the ring by Johnny, Colleen and Roxie...REBEL & ROADES!!! [He turns left at the end of the ramp, letting both girls get off. Both girls take off their entrance attires: Colleen her pink fluffy sweater, poodle skirt, and skates while Roxie tightens a hair scarf and takes off her pink leather jacket with her name on the back. Colleen is wearing pink & white singlet with pink boots while Roxie is wearing a black & pink singlet with white boots. They place their items in the side car then quickly enter the ring as Johnny revs the engine and drives away. Colleen goes up to the top rope as Roxie leans back against the same turnbuckle as they wait for the match to start.] [The arena then falls silent as all of a sudden, the roar of a plane can be heard as a camera cuts to a plane flying over the sky and approaching the arena, it becomes apparent that the plane is painted bright pink and has "Rehire My Sissy" scrawled over it in black spray paint and a banner trailing behind the plane that has the same message. "Barbie Girl" begins to play as members of the fan club, lead by Mistress, begin to walk down to the ring. Courtney Monroe and Lisa Richardson both leap out of the plane, skydiving towards the arena as the fans cheer to watch the Monroes descend from the skies.] John Roe: And their opponents, accompanied to the ring by the Blonde Ambition fan club and Mistress, Carley Monroe and Lisa Richardson...BLONDE AMBITION!!! [Courtney and Lisa then deploy their parachutes, circling the arena as the song plays, as their bright pink parachutes light up the skies. With instructors on their back, Courtney and Lisa wave frantically at the cheering fans as they are steered around the arena to mingle with the fans, literally flying as they sail around. In the ring, Colleen rolls her eyes at her partner, as Courtney and Lisa begin to home in on the middle of the ring as they land in the center of it and continue to pose.] JLT: What an entrance! If Courtney Monroe wins tonight, she’s going to make history by becoming the most decorated tag team champion ever, she’ll have held the belt more times than anyone else! Leah: Who cares? History is for losers. [The referee calls for the bell as Lisa Richardson and Colleen Roades step into the ring. Colleen hands her championship belt to the referee as he holds it above his head. Colleen and Lisa’s eyes narrow at each other, as Colleen glances at the numerous fan club members populating the outside of the ring in pink t-shirts. Colleen starts to feel self-conscious, herself donned in pink. Colleen and Lisa then tie-up as Colleen whips Lisa to the ropes.] [Lisa bounces back and Colleen executes an arm drag to send Lisa flying across the ring, Lisa rolls to her feet and stands up in the corner of the ring. Lisa then runs towards Colleen but Colleen nails a drop toe hold, sending Lisa flying into the mat as Colleen quickly nips onto her back to apply a headlock. Colleen then grabs Lisa’s arm and applies a Fujiwara armbar, trying to get Lisa to submit early on.] JLT: Colleen is a great technician, she has an array of submissions in her arsenal and she knows how to use psychology in her matches. I’d place money on her going far in Divas Unleashed. Leah: I hope she and Roxie split up. Roxie needs to drop her ass cover “Roxie” from the Chicago soundtrack. She almost looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then she’d be catapulted to new heights of fabulousness! [Lisa refuses as Colleen leans backwards to apply more pressure as a concerned looking Courtney looks on. Lisa refuses to submit to the move and Colleen heads to her corner to tag in Roxie Rebel. Roxie steps into the ring as Lisa finds her feet, Roxie approaches Lisa and scoops her up and slams her into the canvas with a bodyslam. Lisa finds her feet, getting up again as Roxie executes repeated bodyslams to complete her ‘Happy Daze Quartet’ signature move. After the final slam, Roxie drops to a pin.] JLT: Nice moves from Roxie there! Rebel & Roades have really brought their A-game tonight! Leah: Shut up, we have a pinfall. [1] [2] [Lisa kicks out.] Leah: I hope R&R win. I hate Blonde Ambition. They’re so annoying, it’s like…are they on speed or something? JLT: I doubt it, Leah! Rebel & Roades are isolating Lisa so far in this match, they’re trying to wear her down. If they can take out the smarter partner, then it makes keeping the titles much easier for them. Leah: Do you think Colleen calls her fans “Roadies”? [Roxie pulls Lisa to her feet and nails her with forearms to the face. Roxie whips Lisa to the ropes and as Lisa bounces back, Roxie catches into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker ‘Rockabilly Twirl’ move and lets Lisa fall to the canvas. Roxie then covers.] JLT: Roxie’s on fire! Leah: I wouldn’t piss on her… [1] [2] [Lisa gets her shoulder up.] JLT: Lisa’s not letting this opportunity slip through her hands! Leah: Why did Lisa align herself with Blonde Ambition? You know what this reminds me of? JLT: No, and I don’t care. Focus on the match, Roxie has Lisa! [Roxie grabs Lisa by a chunk of her hair and pulls her up to her feet, and tags in Colleen Roades. Colleen and Roxie then whip Lisa to the ropes and as she thunders towards them, the champions lift Lisa up into the air before shoving her backwards down to the canvas as Lisa hits the mat. Colleen and Roxie then nod to each other as Courtney looks serious, for a change, as she watches the action.] Leah: I think every week in DU we should have a Courtney thought bubble…that’s just blank. It would convey what’s really going on her head with great accuracy! [Colleen then grabs Lisa Richardson’s legs and begins to attempt to lock in a figure four leglock but Lisa manages to counter by putting a foot on Colleen’s ass and shoving her forward away from her body. Lisa then climbs to her feet as Colleen charges towards her, Lisa kicks Colleen in the stomach and hoists her into the air with a ‘Mona Lisa’ fisherman’s suplex. Colleen and Lisa both lie on the canvas, as Lisa tries to regain her senses while Colleen rolls over onto her stomach and begins to crawl towards her corner.] JLT: Lisa’s mounted an offensive, she’s fought back hard there! Leah: White women hate when you piss them off. JLT: …anyway, Lisa and Colleen are both struggling to get back to their corners! I think whoever makes it there first will be the team walking out of here tonight as the champions, Courtney needs to tag in to save Blonde Ambition from losing! Leah: Go Colleen! [Lisa too, begins to crawl towards hers as the Blonde Ambition fan club on the outside leads a chant and stomping for her to get to her corner. Lisa is encouraged by this and seems to crawl faster but Colleen reaches her corner first and Roxie runs into the ring, grabbing Lisa by her legs and dragging her back towards to the ring.] JLT: Aww, poor Colleen. Here comes Roxie, she’s more of the powerhouse of the team in my opinion. Colleen takes care of the submission and the technical side whereas Roxie can put her opponents in a position where those submissions become deadly! Leah: Look at you, kissing ass. JLT: What? I just think they work together beautifully. [Roxie pulls Lisa up but Lisa manages to counter with a Russian leg sweep. Lisa then pulls Roxie into the position she wants on the mat as she climbs the ropes to the top turnbuckle. Lisa quickly poses to the fans and leaps backwards with a moonsault and manages to land it on Roxie, or so we thought, as Roxie catches Lisa by the throat. Lisa and Roxie both stand up as it becomes apparent that Roxie has planted her tonga death grip “Pleasantville Dream” finisher onto Lisa and nips behind her with a sleeper hold.] JLT: Whoa! Roxie came out of nowhere with that! Leah: Go Roxie, choke a bitch! [However, before the submission can become too intense, Lisa leans backwards and manages to trip Roxie’s footing as both divas begin to tumble backwards, trying not to lose their balance, but Roxie eventually does as both divas fall backwards into the ropes near the challenging corner. Courtney Monroe, being instructed by Mistress at ringside, quickly tags herself in as Lisa falls near her, managing to grasp Lisa’s skin with her fingertips to make herself legal. Roxie and Lisa bump heads as they hit the mat.] JLT: Courtney has finally tagged herself in but that was a nasty fall! Leah: Nasty falls are hilarious though. DU should make a compilation of them…can anybody say YouTube Sensation? [Courtney Monroe quickly leans back on the ropes and leaps into the ring, bursting full of energy being the freshest person in the match, to a roar from the stadium. As Roxie lies on the canvas, Courtney heads towards her and leaps forward with a cartwheel into an elbow drop. Courtney then turns to face the crowd and lifts her arms up in the air as part of a celebration as the crowd cheers for her but she seems overwhelmed by the scale of the crowd.] [Courtney turns around to see Roxie has climbed to her corner and is about to tag in Colleen. Colleen becomes the legal woman as she and her partner both run towards Courtney and try to nail her with a double clothesline but Courtney ducks and Lisa Richardson tackles Roxie Rebel and begins to nail her with fists to the face.] JLT: Blonde Ambition have the crowd whipped up into a frenzy, they’re always the most popular DU stars! Leah: …WHY?! Why do these fans reward mediocrity? [Roxie tosses Lisa off her and both women find their feet, Roxie then quickly attempts to nail Lisa with a superkick but Lisa ducks and slides out of the ring to the outside of the ring, as she is immediately engulfed by the Blonde Ambition fan club who clamour around her. Roxie then turns back to see Colleen with Courtney tied up in a headlock, Colleen and Roxie then glance at each other as Colleen smiles at her partner, having wrestled Courtney into a submission.] JLT: Colleen already has wrestled Courtney into a predicament! Leah: Do you ever wonder what blind people who hear our commentary must be picturing in their heads? [Colleen then tilts her head to call for a double team as both women hook Courtney from behind and hoist her into the air for a double back suplex but Courtney manages to roll out of it, landing on her feet behind Rebel & Roades. Rebel & Roades turn around as Lisa Richardson leaps from the top rope with a diving double clothesline, taking both divas down as she lands on her knees. Lisa and Courtney then high five each other as Courtney begins to leap up and down but Lisa shakes her head, no.] JLT: Lisa’s trying to put some sense into Courtney. Leah: That will never work. [Colleen and Roxie both help themselves up to their feet, as Courtney is too busy celebrating to notice and Colleen comes from behind to Courtney, knocking her down into the mat and attempting to lock on a submission but Lisa Richardson runs over, hitting Colleen with fists to the face. Colleen catches Lisa’s arm and pulls her into a full nelson submission, Colleen calls out to Roxie. Roxie then leaps towards Lisa with a superkick but Lisa ducks and Roxie strikes Colleen square in the face.] JLT: Whoa! Roxie accidentally struck her own partner! Leah: Yeah, accidentally… [Lisa then rolls to her feet, backing Roxie to the ropes and clotheslining her over the top into the lions den of Blonde Ambition’s fan club who immediately begin to hammer her with blows as Roxie scrambles away from them. In the ring, Courtney pulls Colleen to her feet and pulls her into a powerbomb position. Courtney then signals to the crowd and hoists Colleen up into a widow’s peak position and executes the move, connecting with “The Courtney Crunch” finishing move as the crowd responds with a large cheer.] JLT: Courtney nailed it! We could have new champions! [Courtney then hooks the leg, leading the crowd to chant along with the referee’s count.] JLT: Here we go! [1] [2] [3] JLT: They did it! Leah: Crap… John Roe: Here are your winners…and NEW DU Tag Team Champions…BLONDE AMBITION!!! [Courtney stands up and begins leaping up and down like a school girl on Christmas morning. Lisa Richardson steps into the ring and smiles, embracing Courtney with a bearhug as the referee hands the two divas their new championships. The Blonde Ambition fan club cheers from the outside, some of them bursting into tears of joy and a one fan club member fainting from the pure excitement of the momentous event.] Leah: White woman down! White woman down! [Courtney and Lisa head towards the turnbuckles but before they make it, they notice Rebel & Roades have found their feet. Colleen and Roxie approach the new champions and offer their hands for a handshake, Courtney is too excited and hugs Roxie, knocking her down to the canvas. Colleen turns and pulls Roxie out of the ring and heads backstage. Courtney and Lisa then excitedly pose at each turnbuckle, playing up the fans at Candlestick Park.] JLT: Courtney makes history here at Divacide, and she and Lisa Richardson have become the new champions! I’m sure that has to send a message to Tara Lee about their campaign, huh? Well done to Blonde Ambition! Leah: Ugh…here we go again. Rockford State Championship Match Katie Kooper © vs. Mercedes Vargas [The camera pans to Lombard Street where we see Mercedes Vargas pulling up in a taxi cab at the bottom of the hill. She impatiently drums her fingers on the top of the taxi as she looks around for the clue. She suddenly spots a Divas Unleashed banner and a camera crew at the top of the hill and screams at the taxi driver “GO UP THE STREET! PRISA DE UNA PUTA VEZ!” The taxi driver scoffs and ignores Mercedes as Lombard is a one-way street you can only go down on. She sighs and gets out of the cab, not paying the driver before running off up the stairs that line the side of the street.] [As we see Mercedes running up the street, we see Katie & Travis arrive by a trolley cable car at the top of the hill where they are greeted with cheers by fans who have stood out in the cold to meet them. Katie looks down and sees Mercedes sprinting (but also getting exhausted) up the steep stairs towards her and quickly heads underneath the banner to find an envelope with her name on it on a table that has been set-up. She quickly opens it and reads it aloud for the crowd.] Katie: This San Francisco landmark sits atop Telegraph Hill, and was used as a phallic symbol by Alfred Hitchcock in Vertigo. [Katie raises her eyebrow and looks at Travis. The crowd immediately points to the east where we see the picturesque Coit Tower stands.] Katie: Way the hell over there? Damn it… [Mercedes reaches the top of the stairs on the hill, exhausted. The crowd greets her with boos as she tries to catch her breath. As Katie and Travis discuss how to get to Coit Tower, when Katie notices Mercedes’ envelope on the table. Mercedes curses at the crowd in Spanish to get out of her way as she walks over to the table. She sees Katie grabbing her envelope.] Mercedes: …excuse you? Hand me my damn envelope before I kick your ass. [Katie feigns that she will oblige to Mercedes request and extends the envelope to Mercedes. Mercedes reaches out to grab it but Katie quickly pulls it away and hands it to Travis. Mercedes glares at Katie before shoving her out of the way to get to Travis. Travis holds the envelope in his hand high above Mercedes head and Mercedes jumps a couple of times trying to reach it but fails each time.] Mercedes: What is this, preschool?! [Katie does not appreciate Mercedes showing her out of the way and then tackles Mercedes into the shrubbery that decorates Lombard Street! The crowd around them roars as Katie starts pounding away at Mercedes, but Mercedes is able to flip Katie over her, sending Katie sprawling onto the otherside of the bushes where she rolls out onto the street! Mercedes stands up and brushes the leaves and dirt off of herself before turning her attention back to Travis. Travis continues his game of holding the envelope over Mercedes head and laughing, but Mercedes has clearly had enough and kicks him right in the crotch! The crowd mimics Travis’s pain as Mercedes reaches over and grabs her envelope.] Leah: At least Travis had kids already. [As Mercedes rips open the envelope, Katie jumps onto Mercedes back from behind and starts choking her! Katie then rips the paper out of Mercedes’ hand, just before jumping off of Mercedes back and shoving her face first into a Cable Car Trolley!] [The Cable Car dings it’s bell as the passengers stand up to see what is going on. Mercedes stumbles backwards rubbing her head and turns around to see Katie sprinting down Lombard Street! Mercedes sighs and takes off after Katie, still showing sighs of exhaustion from running up the stairs of Lombard earlier. Katie ignores the stairs completely and runs back and forth down the zigzag street as fast as she can. Mercedes soon follows behind her but is still a considerable distance behind the Feisty Redhead.] JLT: Did you know that they turned Lombard Street into a life size game of Candy Land a little while ago? Leah: Did you know that what you just said is one more piece of useless information about San Francisco that I don’t need? [As Katie jumps over cars and shrubs to get down the windy street as quickly as possible, an open top tour bus filled with tourists stops at the bottom of the hill. The tourists snap a few pictures from their seats and a few even get off the bus, but soon all of their attention is turned towards Katie and Mercedes who are barreling down the hill. Katie reaches the bus and hops on as confused tourists take pictures of what they assume is a real life crazy person from San Francisco.] Katie: What’s the next stop?! Bus Driver: Coit Tower. Katie: Sweet! [As the bus driver calls everyone back onto the bus, an elderly woman struggles to get back to her seat. Katie graciously helps her to help get the bus moving again. The bus doors close and Katie quickly runs up the stairs of the bus to the top deck so she can view Mercedes getting smaller in the background. Mercedes however, is no where to be seen.] JLT: Where did Mercedes go? Leah: Oh shit! This is just like in Obsessed! Run like Beyonce! Run! [Katie begins looking around on the bus for Mercedes, going down to the bottom deck. As she looks in the face of several passengers, invading their personal space in the process, she spots Mercedes sitting and staring out the window. She immediately runs up and springs from the top of one of the seat chairs and dropkicks Mercedes in the back of the head! Mercedes’ face bashes against the window before she falls forward to the floor on her back. The women is not Mercedes. A horrified Katie immediately rushes over and tries to resuscitate the woman back to consciousness.] JLT: OH GOD! Leah: We are so sued. [The woman comes around relatively quickly and stares at Katie hovering over her. She grabs Katie by the hair and screams ”What’s your problem bitch?!” As Katie tries to explain how sorry she is and the mistake that she had made, Katie is NAILED in the face with a vicious ‘Be Still My Heart’ savate kick from Mercedes!!! Katie flies backwards down the middle of the bus aisle, doing a back somersault before sprawling out on the steps to get off the bus’s back exit. Mercedes grins and nods at the woman who Katie inadvertently kicked.] Mercedes: Don’t worry, I’ll take this bitch out for you. [Mercedes grins as the woman nods approvingly. Mercedes then walks over to Katie, as the tourists on the bus just begin taking pictures and recording what is happening on their iPhones. Katie begins to pull herself up, but Mercedes uses a pole that is centered in the bus aisle for momentum and swings around it before nailing Katie in the face with another brutal kick! Mercedes sees the back staircase to the top of the bus in front of her and smirks. She grabs Katie’s foot and begins walking up the stairs as Katie slowly comes to and finds her head hitting each step on the way up.] Leah: What’s with all the damn stairs and hills in this city? No wonder everyone is so in shape. JLT: I’m sure it’s a great workout. Leah: Yea… maybe you should live here then instead of Nebraska, home of the fat ass cows. JLT: Our cows are delicious! Leah: Well, your looks aren’t. Get a gym membership ho. [As Mercedes slowly reaches the top of the bus with Katie in tow, she gives one final pull, making sure Katie’s head hits the top step before throwing Katie’s leg to the ground. The tourists try and stay out of Mercedes’ way as she begins looking under seats and soon spots a metal first aid kit. She rips it out of it’s container as Katie slowly pulls herself up. Mercedes quickly turns back towards Katie and swings the metal first aid kit right at Katie’s head! Katie puts her foot up at the last second and causes Mercedes to bounce her own face right off of it! The tourists pop as Katie quickly takes advantage of Mercedes stumbling backwards and nails a sweeping leg kick at Mercedes’ knees, causing Mercedes to fall sideways, bouncing her head off a seat!] JLT: Oh damn! It looked like Mercedes almost broke her neck just now. Leah: She’s a communist, it’ll be fine. She’s just like a Stepford Wife anyway, with her uncanny knowledge of history and her perky breasts. JLT: …I’m sorry, her what? Leah: Uncanny knowledge of history. JLT: Riiight…. [Katie gets up as quickly as possible and snatches the metal box out of Mercedes loose grasp, as a disoriented Mercedes tries to fight Katie away. Katie takes a step back and prepares to drive the metal box into Mercedes forehead, but Mercedes springs to her feet and grabs the other end of the box. As the two divas circle around each other trying to rip the box from each other’s hands, Mercedes headbutts Katie! Katie stumbles backwards releasing the box and tripping onto a row of seats. Mercedes leaps on top of her, but Katie gets a foot up, kicking Mercedes in the gut. Katie sees Mercedes doubled over and quickly sits up and grabs Mercedes in a headlock, signaling for the “KatScratchFever” springboard bulldog!!! Katie uses the seats to bounce off of before attempting to plant Mercedes into the bus aisle! Mercedes is able to slip out of Katie’s grasp at the last moment, shoving Katie into the edge of the bus. Katie’s momentum carries her right over the top of the bus!!!!!!!] Leah: This is like Fast & Furious! JLT: You mean The Fast & The Furious? Leah: No, the one without the “The”. The new one. JLT: …The only difference in the title is they removed the word “The”? Leah: Does it matter? Katie is about to die! [Katie is seen hanging onto the edge of the top of the bus as the crowd gathers around her. A few tourists try to help her back up but Mercedes quickly shoves them out of the way and looks down at Katie with a sadistic grin. As the bus speeds along, it begins to climb a steep hill, causing most of the tourists that are standing to fall over. Katie hangs on for life as she is narrowly sideswiped by a passing Muni bus. Mercedes then grabs Katie’s pinky finger and lifts it off of Katie’s grip on the bus.] Mercedes: This little piggy went to market… [As Mercedes moves onto Katie’s ring finger, Katie uses her other hand and grabs a handful of Mercedes hair! Mercedes tries to fight Katie off, but Katie pulls with all her weight on it, ripping chunks of it out of Mercedes scalp!!!!!] Leah: That’s not a weave?! Damn Latinas and their good hair! Damn them to hell! [As the bus begins to ascend Telegraph Hill, Mercedes is able to grab a handful of Katie’s hair and uses it to bash Katie’s face into the side of the bus! Katie’s face smashes against the window before she is forced to release her grasp and fall to the street below before rolling off the road into some bushes, narrowly avoiding being hit by a car. The camera looses sight of Katie as her body continues down the side of the hill as Mercedes looks up at where the bus is heading. She grins as she sees Coit Tower standing at the peak of Telegraph Hill and the Divas Unleashed banner and table set in place next to the statue of Christopher Colombus.] [As the bus pulls up to the banner, Mercedes limps down to the doorway and exits the bus, holding her head. She reaches the table and grabs her envelope and rips it open. She rolls her eyes and heads back up to the bus driver. She tries to ask as calmly as possible, holding back her obvious injuries, fatigue and aggression.] Mercedes: What building is the greenest museum in the world? Bus Driver: That would be the California Academy of Sciences. Mercedes: Marvelous… can you take me there? Bus Driver: Nope, our next stop is Fisherman’s Wharf. Mercedes: Damn it… oh, you have something on your ear. Let me just get that for you… [Mercedes feigns like she is going to brush something off the Bus Driver’s ear, but instead grabs his ear and pulls him out of the seat before sending his sprawling onto the pavement outside of the bus! Mercedes then closes the door as she steps into the driver’s seat and takes off, hijacking the bus and taking several tourists hostage.] Leah: No wonder DU can only do three shows a damn year, we must have so many court costs associated with our programming. I apologize world… I can only hope that Mercedes doesn’t turn that bus into a terrorist… oh my god! We have to stop her now! It’s just like the movie Speed! JLT: The bad people weren’t on the bus in Speed. Leah: Sandra Bullock is a good person? Since when? [As Mercedes speeds down the circular roadway of Telegraph Hill, we suddenly spot Katie Kooper climbing up the hillside. Katie stands just above the bus as it barrels down the road. Katie sees Mercedes at the helm, takes a deep breath and leaps onto the top deck of the bus from the hill above! Katie lands awkwardly on a row of seats and spies the first aid kit. She opens it up and begins to dress her wounds as Mercedes drives away at full speed down the hill to her destination in Golden Gate Park.] <-Continue->