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Sunday 3rd June 2007
[We cut to the commentary table, as Leah sits all glammed up, wearing a red dress and her hair gelled upwards, Rihanna-styled. She smiles and then rolls her eyes, JLT frowns at her and nudges her. Leah nudges her back as JLT sits in a green dress with a plunging necklace, her hair curly and flowing in tresses. JLT smiles at the viewers.]
JLT: Hello everyone and welcome to Nuclear Pussy 5!
Leah: It’s about fucking time.
JLT: Leah!
Leah: I mean how long have we been waiting? What year is it?
JLT: Leah, shhh…
Leah: Can you imagine how outdated Meggie and Bobbi’s insults must be now? Bobbi’s probably like "Oh Meggie smells like piss". So she should, she's 87!
JLT: Leah, be quiet. We're here now and that's all that matters.
Leah: Seriously, what year is it?
JLT: We have a great show, let’s just be thankful that we’re going to enjoy it.
Leah: If by enjoy you mean, skim, then yes. I will enjoy it very much. I ain’t blind, peoples, I know what you be doing. I know you ain’t listening to me right now either. I bet you skidded right past me, huh? Yeah, I clocked you.
JLT: Will y-
Leah: Bunch of cocksuckers. I slave myself and this is the thanks I get? Not even listening to our hilarious banter? No, well, screw you too.
JLT: Le-
Leah: SCREW. YOU.
Askai Championship Match
Leah: “Oh here we go, our first boring contest, I swear we need more black women on this show.”
JLT: “This match is so not going to be boring Leah, just chillax. Linda and Wednesday are up first.”
Leah: “Was that supposed to be a racist slur?”
The sound of “I’m just a girl” by No Doubt begins to play as the pink ribbon covering the eyes is seen as the Askai Champion makes her way onto the stage. The sound of the refrain hits and the girl dressed in a golden top takes the ribbon from her eyes and descends down the runway like ramp.
John Roe: “Making her way to the ring, she is the Askai Champion, and a member of the Oceanics, Linda Ragnal!”
Linda makes her way up the stairs, ducks under the ropes and then gives the two finger kiss before holding her title up blissfully above her head. Then she waits as the sound of (S)aint by Marilyn Manson hits over the P.A. and Wednesday steps out. Wearing a rare collection of gothic like clothing, setting off a dark mood. She raises her right fist in the air before descending down the ramp. She reaches the steps before flipping her long colorful hair and then she struts into the ring and climbs on the second rope bouncing on it for the crowd, before she turns back staring Linda down.
John Roe: “And her opponent, Wednesday Mourning!”
The crowd have a mixed reaction towards Wednesday, as the referee holds up the belt before handing it to Mr. Roe so he can make his exit from the ring.
Leah: “I don’t get why we have so many girls who dye their hair those horrid colors, have they never heard of weave?”
JLT: “I don’t care what kind of hair they have, it’s the inside that counts.”
Leah: “You watch to much Doctor Phil. You have to go with Oprah.”
The bell sounds as the two divas begins to circle one another and then within an instant the Askai Champion runs in for a spear taking Wednesday down. Linda soon has mounted on top of her and hits many lefts and rights before Wednesday with some sort of Flexibility raises her legs enough to kick Linda in the back of the head and then Wednesday rolls her over going for an early pinfall.
[1]
[2]
Kickout!
JLT: “Wow Linda better be on her toes if she is wanting to retain her title.
Leah: “Boo, boring!”
JLT: “Oh Leah, behave!”
The two divas are now back at a vertical standpoint and Linda rushes in for a clothesline almost taking the winds head off, as Wednesday ducks under and sends a vicious kick to the stomach of Linda causing the Askai Champion to double over. With that Wednesday takes the opportunity and within a matter of seconds hits an amazing Tornado DDT.
JLT: “Wow did you see that? What impact that had. Linda may be finished already.”
Wednesday then climbed up moving Linda back towards the turnbuckle, then she climbed up herself going for one of her signature moves called the hellfire drop which is a double knee drop form the top rope, however, Linda just barely moves out of the way and this leaves both ladies lying on the mat.
The referee checks both of them, and sees that both are still ok and able to compete and soon both ladies are making their way back to their feet, via the ropes.
JLT: “Wow these two have already started off doing great, I can only imagine how great this match is going to be.”
Leah: “It’s been ok so far. I’d much rather have them bleeding though, I’d get more enjoyment out of that.”
As the two get back to their feet, Linda now approaches Wednesday and delivers a hard punch to the face, causing Wednesday to back up and soon another punch comes until a third and then we see Wednesday taking a tumble to the outside of the ring. Linda just smiles knowing what she will do next as she climbs out onto the apron, and we see Wednesday climb up to be met with an Askai Moonsault.
JLT: “The champion, just knocked the petunias out of her!”
Leah: “The petunias?”
The referee looks on to see Linda climbing up to toss Wednesday back into the ring, and she goes for the cover.
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[2]
Wednesday barely is able to kick out, but Linda quickly runs towards the ropes rolling off and hits the title wave, sealing the deal for herself.
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[2]
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John Roe: “Here is your winner, and still Askai Champion, Linda Ragnal!”
The fans are on their feet in praise to the athleticism of the two competitiors
JLT: “That was great!”
Leah: “If you say so.”
Grudge Match
JLT: This match seems like it’s been coming for a long time, can you believe this is the first time we’re seeing Kibby and Tequila fight it out in a singles match?
Leah: I can’t wait, these women are going to wreck each other. I can smell the hate from her, now they can finally lay the smack down like they’ve been dying to do for over a year!
JLT: And this is all over a man, Shane Rockford, of course. Who am I kidding? We all know the story.
Leah: I love DU. It’s like an episode of Maury every week.
[The fans rise to their feet with cheers and whistles as the cameras now move to the view of the entrance ramp as "Luv Addict" by Family Force 5 plays loudly over the PA system. Various model shoot captures are shown over the video screen of KibbyD as they then move on to show her and her dog Daisy also. Some in ring action captures of her wrestling.]
John Roe: The following match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Houston, Texas; weighing in at 120lbs, and being accompanied to the ring by DaisyD...KIBBYD!!!
[KibbyD steps from behind the stage curtains wearing her ring attire for that night. She flips her long blonde hair with her left hand as she taunts her fans up on the top of the ramp. She giggles to her-self as she struts her way down the ramp. She passes a ton of fans that want their hands slapped. With her Diva like ways she acts as if they are not even there. She walks up the steel stairs as she stands on the apron first before jumping off the rops and performing a split and sliding under the bottom rope into the ring. As she is inside the ring she taunts the crowd by blowing kisses she then moves to the turnbuckle as climbs and taunts the crowd again. She then jumps off and awaits her opponent in the middle of the ring.]
["Son of a Gun" by Janet Jackson begins to play on the PA system and golden and blue lights shower the arena. Tequila walks out and smiles at the fans, she she runs her hand through her hair and then walks towards the ring, exchanging words with her opponent.]
John Roe: And her opponent, hailing from Ashburo, North Carolina; weighing at 125lbs...TEQUILA!!!
[Tequila slides into the ring and immediately runs towards Kibby, spearing her down into the mat, hard, and then beginning to scratch at her face with her French tips. Kibby shoves Tequila backwards as the two kick things off with an epic catfight, Kibby rolls Tequila onto her back and digs her nails into Tequila’s chin, clawing at her face and drawing blood.]
Leah: Ooh this is it!
JLT: This is a real catfight right now.
[Tequila then spits in Kibby’s face, as Kibby stands up and immediately begins wiping it away like she’s absolutely horrified. Tequila then stands and drives her knee into Kibby’s stomach, Kibby doubles over, holding her belly as Tequila does it again.]
[Tequila then grabs Kibby by the hair, with the anger pouring out of her face. Tequila then runs towards the ropes with Kibby’s hair in hand and swings Kibby, lifting her off her feet and sending her flying over the top rope. Tequila lets go and Kibby plunges down onto the unforgiving floor on the outside, hitting it with a huge thud.]
Leah: Hahahaha…
JLT: Ouch, that looked painful! She just smacked into the ground!
Leah: That was hilarious.
[The crowd cheer for the brutal hair-mare as Tequila then stands in the middle of the ring, her chest heaving, eyes narrowed and and biting her bottom lip as the referee slides out of the ring. Tequila tosses away the strands of hair left on her hands as after several seconds, Kibby sits up on the outside. She wipes her brow and holds her nose.]
[Kibby then pushes the referee away and stands but Tequila charges towards her with a baseball slide, Kibby nips out of the way as Tequila slides out of the ring and stumbles up to her feet. Kibby then grabs Tequila and shoves her backwards as Tequila falls to her butt, smacking her head against the ring post.]
Leah: God, it’s so vicious, I LOVE it.
[Tequila holds her head, feeling dazed as Kibby smiles. Kibby then approaches Tequila but Tequila picks her leg up and rams it into Kibby’s stomach. Tequila finds her feet as both women turn to each other and both nail a slap across each other’s face at the same time.]
JLT: It looks like they both had the same idea there.
Leah: These women know how to lay the smackdown, and they both want to do it on each other!
[They both stumble backwards, holding their cheek and staring each other down. Tequila then notices the referee doing a ten-count and slides back into the ring, as Kibby follows. Both women begin to circle each other before they tie-up with Kibby whipping Tequila into the corner.]
[Kibby then approaches Tequila and begins to stomp on her, beating her with left foots as Tequila slumps down to a sitting position against the bottom turnbuckle. Kibby then has an idea and runs to the opposite side of the corner, ready to humiliate her arch rival.]
Leah: You know, I’ve always wondered how she got the name Kibby?
JLT: Leah, focus.
[Kibby runs towards Tequila and attempts a bronco buster but Tequila counters, standing with Kibby on her shoulders and powerbombs her down into the mat. Tequila then covers, hooking the leg.]
JLT: Here’s a cover!
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[2]
[Kibby kicks out.]
Leah: Kibby’s not too blonde to remember that she has to kick out. I wonder how so many women in DU are so dumb yet still manage to win these matches.
JLT: What they may lack in intelligence, they make up for in wrestling skill.
Leah: And looks. Have you seen the women from Mensa? Ugh, revolting looking.
[Tequila sits up and then looks to the ropes, having an idea, and she smiles. She grabs Kibby by her hair, yanking her to her feet and drags her over the second rope. Tequila then places Kibby’s neck over the second rope and begins to choke her. The referee warns Tequila to let go by she ignores him, saying she could have him fired.]
JLT: Tequila’s exerting some of her power!
Leah: Maybe she should take a look inside her make-up and then she’d realise she has none.
[Tequila finally lets go and stands after much warning from the referee. Tequila then grabs Kibby from behind and tries to nail a German suplex but Kibby counters, spinning around but Tequila keeps her waist lock on and Kibby comes face to face with her rival and it looks like they’re embraced in a hug.]
Leah: Aww.
[It takes the two blondes several seconds to realise then and then they suddenly jerk away from each other, frowning and looking disgusted with themselves as Kibby holds a hand over her mouth like she’s going to be sick. Tequila and Kibby then both stare at each other for a few seconds before they run towards one another, but Kibby nails Tequila with a clothesline knocking her down into the mat.]
[Kibby then bounces to the ropes and Tequila is waiting for her return, Tequila picks her up hoping for a sidewalk slam but Kibby counters into a hurricanrana takedown sending Tequila into the canvas. Kibby then quickly covers.]
JLT: Kibby has the pin!
[1]
[2]
[Tequila gets her shoulder up.]
Leah: What happened with Tecky’s breasts? I mean, did she take them out or did she put them back in? Or what? What was the deal with that?
JLT: We are not here to discuss this, we are here to commentate!
Leah: I am? I am COMMENTING that I am unaware of whether or not Tequila’s rack is real.
[Kibby sighs and then looks around to the audience. She brings Tequila to her feet and into a bulldog position, she runs towards the corner with Tequila’s head in her hands but Tequila shoves Kibby forward into the turnbuckle. Kibby hits it front-first and Tequila quickly capitalises by running at Kibby from behind and leaping knee-first onto her back, ramming Kibby’s body into the corner awkwardly.]
Leah: Oww, what a bitch!
[Tequila then struts backwards and smiles, turning to the audience and posing with a smug look on her face. Kibby holds her back and turns around, she props herself up onto the top rope and her eyes narrow as she watches Tequila pose.]
[Kibby then perches on the top rope as Tequila turns around, as she does, Kibby leaps forward at her, attempting to nail her with a high risk move but Tequila steps backwards and drives Kibby into the mat with an “Eve of Destruction” x-factor.]
JLT: Tequila nailed that!
Leah: Poor Kibby, she never saw it coming. I scouted it though, I’m smart like that.
[Tequila then rolls Kibby over onto her back and stands up over her with a smug smile on her face, she then leans down and smacks Kibby across the face with a bitchslap. Tequila then takes her time, and sits at Kibby’s head, pulling Kibby’s legs up into a pinfall, but suddenly Kibby pushes off the canvas and rolls Tequila onto her back.]
JLT: Kibby’s countering!
[Kibby then leans back to grab the second rope, putting more pressure on the roll-up as the referee gets into position, not noticing Kibby’s cheating. He counts.]
Leah: And here is the pin!
[1]
[2]
[3]
Leah: Haha, Tecky lost!
John Roe: Here is your winner...KIBBYD!!!
[Kibby then stands up, giggling to herself as Tequila sits up with a furious look on her face. Kibby then flips her hair and climbs the turnbuckle, pouting and posing for the cameras as her theme music plays. Tequila rolls her eyes and slides out of the ring, storming backstage in search of her husband.]
JLT: Kibby defeated Tequila, she cheated, but she still did it. That has to be a bitter blow for Tequila, you know she wanted to beat her arch-rival tonight.
Leah: Kibby won fair and square, who says you can’t use the ropes?
JLT: …it’s illegal to do that.
Leah: Legal schmegal, someone needed to put Tecky in her place and Kibby did it. Kibby from the Block, whoo!
JLT: Since when are you a Kibby fan?
Leah: Since two minutes ago.
Mystery Prize Battle Royale
JLT: We have a mystery prize battle royal next, and I’m excited for this because we’ve been informed that the prize is not a title shot.
Leah: I know, how predictable would that be? Give us some credit. I mean, a title shot? How unoriginal would that be?
JLT: Well, actually, it was originally supposed to be a title shot…
Leah: Say what now?
JLT: But Shane changed it, anyway, now we’ve been promised some prizes that Tequila has hand-selected, which should be interesting.
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